Alone but not lonely….
The initial purpose of my journaling was for self service, i have enjoyed the feedback i’ve been able to get from people; friends and strangers especially as a fallout of some of these entries but i can’t shake this feeling of being too vulnerable.
I’m no ingrate, the conversations sparked, advise and different point of views have helped my process in so many ways so it’s somewhat of a catch 22..
It feels good knowing i’m not the only one having these thoughts and dealing with these motions. On the flip side of the coin, i feel exposed. it’s just discomfited for lack of a better word right now, being “open” or read in that manner.. even though i haven’t got a gun to my head when i share myself in this way.
Reading my entries made me realize how much of an open book i seem to be. Am i wrong for feeling this way? It seems to me like everyone’s going through their own shit on their lonesome.
A problem shared is a problem solved yeah? That’s just a saying in my opinion cos nobody is sharing problems round here.. it’s just — mind your business and keep it moving and i feel our environment (my environment to be specific) plays a huge role in that often… everyone’s so stuck up and about theirs which is also fine in my opinion but i have experienced the pleasures of openness, meaningful conversations and diverse point of views like i mentioned earlier which is why i felt sharing certain parts of my experience would be an appropriate impel in the direction of growth i was seeking.
In reality its just people lurking, viewing, going as far as even reading everything with absolutely nothing to add or subtract and that’s the energy i’m trying to staying away from.. i need solid people around me, consequential tête-à-tête, contributions even corrections and rebuttals to my POV. This experience hasn’t been limited to my just my entries, i noticed this also before i deactivatedd my socials; loads of people watchers 👀and the lines of friendships have become so blurred to me. i dont really know who’s a friend anymore. Like why are you here? I know you but do i really know you? How are we friends? Am i using this word “friend” too loosely?
There’s been a huge disconnect between words and actions lately from a lot of people in my life, energies being off, being ripped off by “friends” amongst other things i’ve come to experience and notice and that’s just reaffirmed to me that “self” should be a priority… I recall my entry about “borrowing strength” a while ago and it resonated with me even more at this moment and made me understand the need for independent reasoning, growth and internal discipline.. I think i might have suffered a brief spell of interdependence.
As i have gotten older, i have found people to be unreliable, exhausting, selfish, dishonest, judgmental, morally bankrupt and ultimately disappointing.
People can be hell 👹
Or maybe my expectations were just too high and my trust issues have clouded my perception of people.
Am I the judgmental one? I ask this question occasionally but my answer always lies in the form of actions from people that reaffirm my initial stance.
I have been in a reclusive state since my flat mate moved out a couple of months ago, experienced silence in ways that i never had before and in this solitude i have intentionally questioned and discovered even more parts of myself i have began to grow fond of, the beauty of self sufficiency, tranquility and leaning on myself, learning not to have high expectations of others and their opinions. I mean this is contextually general; of course i have friends who mean a lot and matter, have authentic values and contributions to my life, people whose opinions hold weight to me but for the most part, they aren’t really built like that anymore.
I’ve gotten calls and messages from friends that care, wondering if i’m well since i left without a digital footprint behind.
Not all those who wander are lost. Not all those who are alone are lonely — J.R.R Tolkien
This is not a cry for help, i genuinely made a choice to embrace my own company for the first time in a really long time. It’s been school accommodation with friends, living with my parents to living with a flat mate and now it’s a new phase of being completely alone and having a deeper relationship with myself.
- Solitude not loneliness
I enjoy the company of certain people even with my relatively low social battery; they spark joy in my life and in my space but often times it’s short lived. The jadedness creeps in, my tolerance level dwindles and i want to be alone again. Being around people makes me appreciate my solitude a lot more and my solitude has made me appreciate company in healthy doses.
Omo, Shey i go marry like this? 🤣
I’ve become super selective about how and who my time is spent with. I understand how important a balance is in situations like this; the value of social connections and the beauty of solitude. A catch 22 like i said earlier but a middle ground is what i aim to work towards…. I want to be alone but i also don’t want to push away the people who really matter to me.
In one entry im rambling about vulnerability, being open and staying connected and here i am going on about solitude and self sufficiency.
Who is this confused guy and what does he really want? 🥲
Well, two statements and experiences can be true!
Only a dead fish goes with the flow
It’s been a journey of becoming and unbecoming, learning and unlearning. I don’t have the answers, just winging it like i told you in my last entry but this is where i am, in this very moment; alone, content and trying my best to be my best.