I remember about 3 posts ago i was writing about over sharing and i started with how i noticed myself going back to old patterns and habits i let go…. at first it was my sleeping pattern that i worked so hard to fix up… Started by losing few hours but it got to a point of insomnia some weeks ago… the antianxiety and antidepressants aren't doing their thing anymore, even tried some of my moms sleeping meds and to no avail you know?
Anyway, i feel like complete shit today, i have been irregular with my meditations. i broke a promise to myself and missed 2 days back to back which in turn spiraled to this week long drought, feelings of amotivation. i look at my meditation space lately and i just feel disappointed with my ethic and lack of enthusiasm… i still am on point with my books, podcasts, videos and that has somewhat got me grounded but i miss the silence that comes with meditating, the calm, clarity.. just the feeling in general.. but like i said, my spirit is being fed in other amazing ways… letting go of everything would have been the travesty but i am grateful for the will power to be able to hang on to certain practices that fueled me through the month.
I just finished reading “Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds” a book by David Goggins. unlike previous reads, i decided to opt for the audiobook. so this is different from just listening to someone read the book to you, This audiobook actually had like a podcast twist to it which i found really interesting. Adam Skolnick a journalist read each chapter while David Goggins explained at the end of the chapters his thought process and his emotions. leaving no room for misinterpretation.. anyway, that was the setup.. I’d listen on my way to and back from work, anytime i felt off i just go listen to that amazing book… Listen! David Goggins is such a badass! he proves how mental willpower supersedes the physical and how your mental can take you places your physical self could not imagine possible..
Few days of reading different books made me come to the realization that the peaks and satisfaction vary significantly. Books, podcasts and videos soothe and stimulate my mind more as opposed to meditation which takes over everything completely if that makes any sense to you lol.
I also started weaning myself off social media and my cellphone in general… let go of a lot of clutter and applications that didn't seem to serve me anymore. i noticed a lot of conversations were really just “hi, you're alive yeah? okay and bye, hit you up in another 3 months or when i really need something” lacking in depth, relevance and substance… sometimes i wish i could just get a new cellphone number but I've got too many things tied to this already so its just long. I deleted a whole bunch of contacts, applications and clutter, set timers for certain applications on screen time just so i know when its being abused.… it’s become apparent how much of a distraction technology, cellphones in particular can be… to me anyway and i keep telling myself “i have to be online for this business thing, that transaction, this super important mail or phone call” and all sort of excuses just to be online… initially with Instagram i dealt with the Fear of Missing Out aka FOMO but i then realized once upon a time i was super addicted to twitter but i got over it. Pre lockdown, I’d go months without even opening the Instagram application because i just did not care so much about it or what anybody was doing honestly.… Anyway, I'm rid of my snap completely, deleted twitter on my cellphone, I've got a timer on my Instagram now and i hope to just stay away from it all real soon.. As entertaining and informative as social media can be, it also is time consuming and a big distraction if you get lost in the wormhole. sometimes for me, its a wormhole of anxiety, dark thoughts and i might even go as far as saying depression just as a result of the messed up news we see every other day of people dying, just horrible shit happening everywhere.. it is one of my many triggers i have identified.. one minute its “Kee Kee” the next minute an innocent girl who tweeted “I need a job” was found dead and raped… you see how that fucks with my mental yeah? so honestly i just need a break from that energy. Unfortunately, it is real life and these things are happening everyday. Avoiding social media? well its in the newspapers i read, on the news station i watch.. you get me? so there's no running away from this reality but i should at least be able to control what i consume.
Once upon a time, my socials were somewhat a safe space for me to just go on, get a laugh, talk shit with people but none of that seems existent anymore.. its just bad news, people watchers and fugazi people left and right, i find myself consuming and overconsuming which is just silly. i mean, i don't really enjoy it but i couldn't explain why i stuck around.... whole lot of “where you been?” like they were really looking for me lol…. (swear if you got that reference text me, ill send you some food)
I feel it would be a bit more tasking to let go completely seeing as lockdown really has everyone online, no outdoor activities and the internet has just slowly become the place to be but I’ll definitely hack it. i just need to replace that habit with other ones… reading has become one of them already. looking forward to developing healthier habits that are self serving and would propel this journey I'm on.
I recently also just got back into my steam inhalations and Jump rope Exercises. Honestly, anything to keep my mind off these intrusive thoughts and vices, anything to make me feel like I’m doing something right, anything to keep me grounded. off tangent, i wish i could legit go for a walk in a park or go hiking, or a zoo even. just to experience nature, different environment, different vibe.. something that isn't …. this…… jokingly told my mom i was super stressed and i was going to lodge at Four Points for like a week just to cool off and its really not feeling like a joke anymore.
This is my first entry in May so ill be starting something called “In Retrospect” which basically is my previous month in a capsule.. things i managed to accomplish, where i failed and how i can do better moving forward
April was definitely one of my lows of the year so far, i was extremely inconsistent with my practices, gave into my vices, had to deal with some personal issues, just lost motivation all over again but on the positive side i did not let the emotions and feeling of “Failure” consume me like i would have in the past.. i still managed to take each day at a time, i didn't let the feelings bleed into my relationships and my demeanor in general which is a plus for me…
It’s a new month now, energy feeling renewed, like i said one time: you can start over as many times as it takes! there's nobody keeping scores for you.. feel like you've been untrue to your process? down bad? its calm, just try again. which is exactly the attitude i plan on carrying this month… i have gotten back to my practices slowly, cultivating these habits one at a time and i will keep trying till i get it right.
Wishing you guys an amazing month of May!
Love, Light and Positive vibrations ❤