Bout with death. Again.
Life updates lately have been about death, mortality and the likes; The irony. It's kind of sad but what can i say? that's really what its been like. I was hoping for my next entry to be happy you know, maybe about a book or some music I've been enjoying lately but that just hasn't happened. Its just been shit but Iâll try to end this entry on a happy note this time. I'm alive and sincerely grateful in the end.
Just recovering from what's probably the worst Sickle Cell crisis i have had in my lifetime. in the past, i thought i had near death experiences but what happened to me in the past couple of weeks really trumps any prior experiences and made them seem like childâs play.
My threshold for pain which i really had a high opinion of went straight out the window during this crisis. The bar had been raised and i was certain this was the end of the road for me.
I wasnât angry, sad or disappointed like i was on previous ânear deathâ occasions. i knew for a fact i tried my very best to fight this pain and the only hurt i felt this time was my mother being present in the hospital with me experiencing and witnessing what really felt like my final moments.
Hurt because thatâs how my dad died; on a hospital bed and we all shared his final moments trying to say goodbye to someone who was clearly a shadow of himself and couldnât really put together what was happening. Is this woman really about to watch her child die like this?
I mustered whatever strength i had left and got on my feet; pretended i needed to use the restroom but i really just wanted to hug her for what i felt was the last time. I have strayed so far from faith and religion; it seemed pointless to pray and beg for my life this time around. I don't think God would have gone for it. lol. like nigga? why you only remember me in your time of pain or struggle?
Instead, i just text one or two friends to intercede on my behalf explaining to them how bad it was and the unusual fear i was feeling.
Iâm not one to cause a panic like i said; Iâve been here before (So i thought) but the realization hit me slowly and painfully. Even the doctors didnât know what to do anymore as all their efforts and pain medications proved futile. I was going to be transferred to another hospital but someone had a eureka moment of administering morphine. I had never in the past needed an opiate as strong as morphine to deal with pain so there was a lot of skepticism in the air but it had to be done.
Iâm in so much pain, i begin to hit my head on the hospital walls; trying to feel another pain that is at least in my control. Pain i knew the source of and could understand. To me, it made sense but in hindsight i see how that action terrified everyone around me but it also forced the hands of the medics to give the morphine.
At this point i had been on the hospital bed for a couple of nights in this conundrum; both hands severely hurt, swollen and pricked severally in an effort to find veins. So much pain, my veins kept collapsing ever so frequently . I couldnât keep anything in orally so i was dehydrated to my lips, Iâd been throwing up till the point all i could cough out was blood from my stomach lining. Nothing was in me anymore. I could physically feel my strength leave my body and my weight had drop significantly all in the space of a couple of days. I couldnât cry anymore because that just made the crippling pain worse. like; what are you crying for? just say bye bye.
The morphine hits my system through one of the veins that was still somehow open and thereâs this euphoric rush. It felt like smoking codeine (if that makes any sense) and immediately i feel myself just numb all over and i let go or it let me go. The pain was a myth for the first time in days and i felt myself slip out of consciousness. Heartbeat slowed all the way down and now i am instantly terrified to fall asleep even though i felt relief. I didnât want to die in my sleep. Iâm fighting hard to stay awake but that drug is no childâs play.
âMay i get out of my own wayâ
Drifting in and out of consciousness; i begin to battle demons in the silhouette of myself. Decisions i had stalled on all these years stared me right in my soul and it hit me how unfulfilled and unhappy of a person i had become. I had complained in the past to some close friends and even in previous entries about depression, not really feeling like myself anymore but i never sat down to carefully gauge how bad it had gotten.
The somewhat smug complacency and comfort i had submitted to in various aspects of my life, not really pushing myself in areas like work and relationships. Just being content and not being the happiest version of myself that i know exists. It all came rushing down like a flood. I recall talking about this in my last entry. How this disease lures you into a shell. You become less of yourself, living life on eggshells in a routine youâve carefully curated that doesnât give room for exploration and adventure.
Itâs been a little while since this experience and Iâm still recovering, lost so much weight, gained so much insight, perspective and finally got the courage to take certain life decisions without the fear of consequences. Irrational and impulsive maybe; but my goal going forward is to live a healthy and happy lifestyle. Nothing else matters to me.
Donât just sit there and take it
âPutting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortuneâs control, and abandoning what lies in yours. What are you looking at? To what goal are you straining? The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately.â â Seneca
Iâd have been a little upset if I died and that was it. Not like I have a shit life, quite the contrary. It just felt more like surviving than living and Iâm certain there has to be more for me out there.
Loves warm embrace
Itâd be remiss of me not to mention the love Iâve had a chance to experience in the past couple of months đ. For the first time in a long time it actually feels real and nonjudgmental. Someone who can actually look beyond this disease and not treat me like a victim of circumstance.. someone who i could talk to and not feel like they had âpityâ for my predicament. Love i always believe is conditional and despite this unsavory deal breaking condition; i still somehow feel loved.
I tried to downplay this experience to her because like I said; i donât really like people up in a panic because of me but she could actually tell over the phone when i called that this was bad and she was there for me all through this ordeal.
Words canât begin to describe the gratitude i have for you đ. For the most part Iâm really mute, non expressive and maybe even closed off emotionally as a result of this disease, jadedness, being alone for about 6 years and past experiences but she makes me feel comfortable enough to open up and share myself even in little bits. Idk whatâs going to happen but i really just want to enjoy whatever moments we have.
I donât want to die anytime soon but if I did, Iâd like to die a happy person, doing what i want with the people who mean the most to me at this point in life. I donât ever want to feel the bleak realization i had on that hospital bed again. I donât want to overthink the future while just being passively depressed and stuck in place worrying about uncertainties.
Spent the last 8 years navigating depression and suppressed trauma on my own. I am in need of a lot of therapy and i know the way i deal with this pain sometimes is unhealthy but i feel/felt protected; all these prayers from my mum and loved ones have helped me a great deal.
I almost just died and that would have been it. Dead. Unfulfilled, unhappy, unsure of it all.
A near death experience often times leads to epiphanies and poignant realizations and for the first time, i have decided to act on them and not just take it on the chin.. my chin is tired. lol
My life updates going forward might seem a bit drastic but these are plans and visions Iâve always had at the back of my mind but never had the courage to act on.
It might seem like a trend if you read my entries. Me falling sick, realizing how fickle it all is and wanting to do better but Iâve never experienced this level of pain and fear in my life; for my life. Like Iâve said in the past, it doesnât really matter. Sickle cell or not. Even healthy people drop dead out of the blue but certain experiences have to be first hand to give genuine insight.
I love my life, i love my family, i love some of my friends and i donât want to leave anytime soon. I always appreciate the concern, the prayers and constant checking in đeven if i never said it enough in the past, this support system i have is something i never really leaned in and tapped into because i always felt like a bother or burden for some weird reason.
Being open and somewhat vulnerable about this disease in the past couple of years has lessened this burden and made me gain back some of my confidence.
The road to recovery is usually longer each go. you feel demoralized and really down having lost the momentum you had going but i refuse to let this be a huge deal. I've had comebacks in the past and this is about to be one of the greatest ones yet. still feel unenergized and drained but I'm certain its temporary and its only a matter of time before i get back on track.
Until then, sending Love, Light and Intuition to everyone â€
Donât complain
âEverything that happens is either endurable or not. If itâs endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining. If itâs unendurable⊠then stop complaining. Your destruction will mean its end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your interest to do so. In your interest, or in your nature.â â Marcus Aurelius
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