Anyone who’s friends with me has probably heard or seen me try to explain my relationship with music. it honestly is bigger than a physical experience sometimes and this goes just beyond the nostalgic feelings. tonight was literally an out of body experience and deep down in me, i wish i had an answer, a resolve or closure of some sort.
Initially, i was listening to music that made me feel good as i was decluttering my space and Kid Cudi’s “Pursuit of Happiness” came up. i enjoyed that so much i decided to listen to the whole “Man on the moon ” album on shuffle whilst getting things done. its going so well until i get to this particular song “Soundtrack to my Life” for some reason I'm not feeling exactly happy. of course the nostalgic vibe of the song is there, it’s taken me back to fond times in uni when this song had an entirely different vibe and effect on my psyche.
The second verse of this song is really the straw that broke the camels back. Cudi talked about not being “right” since he lost his dad and I’m here in my room like damn. i get lost in my head for a minute and the chorus comes up again and I’m like double damn! it couldn’t have resonated deeper. the song suddenly had an entirely different effect on me and unconsciously i start feeling down, sad and my demeanor had gone left entirely so i had the song on a loop for the next couple of hours (Really crazy idea right?)i made myself some dinner and used an antianxiety/Antidepressant med i had prescribed a while ago just to calm me down so i could get some sleep and feel recharged for my morning run.
The time is about 11:30pm and I'm getting tucked in, music and every other form of stimulation has been done away with, feeling well fed and ready to get the rest i deserve.. this is where the weird shit happens- I fall into a deep sleep. it felt so similar to sleep paralysis which is something i have weirdly gotten a hang of over the years but this time was different. it felt a lot more vivid and i could absolutely tell i was in a dream.. let’s cut to the chase. Towards the end of this vivid dream i saw my father. I knew it was a dream so immediately i tried to snap out of it and “Wake up” but to no avail. He’s walking towards me and honestly something in me was like “Why not?” i just wanted to hear his voice again so i increase my pace towards him just to say hello or hear what he had to say.
My dad opened his mouth to talk to me and i woke up. devastated to say the least i then put on my shoes on for the run in an attempt to just go out and clear my head only to look at the time and it’s just 1:50am so I’m up restless and i do what i normally do when it gets this way — Journal.
I don’t have any profound thing to share or a “Moral” for this entry, i also don’t subscribe entirely to dreams and alternate meanings. I’m not superstitious but I’m a little sticious…. i feel It’s something that happened (Partly because of the anxiety meds i took) and also as a result of the mind state i was in before i called it a night which is also why i try to start and end my day with positive affirmations but i was just out of the loop tonight.
I'm not mad at this experience, I'm not entirely happy about it either. we can settle for indifferent but i remember where i was mentally this time last year to be precise and i am beyond grateful for progress and positive outlets to “vent” and get things off my chest. I'm going back to bed now(02:48a.m.) and i hope to have a good nights rest with whatever time I've got left and an even better jog bright and early in the morning. I’ll be back after my run to complete this entry……
It’s 7:09 a.m. I’m back from my run feeling pumped, the weather was beautiful despite the heavy rain from the previous night, went the hardest I’ve gone since I started this outdoor mission. I listened to those two songs a lot only cause I needed It to fuel me as opposed to being moody whenever it comes on! The day is starting on an amazing note! Enjoy some pictures from my experience this morning and have a fantastic Tuesday my guys!
Love, light and 💪 to you and yours! 🧡☀️🚀
I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know
Everything that shine ain’t always gonna be gold, hey
I’ll be fine once I get it, yeah, I’ll be good.