Friendships should be mutually beneficial relationships where parties involved feel seen, heard and can be vulnerable in a safe and gratifying way. More times, itâs not really about having them in numbers; itâs about the quality of the friendships and learning how to cultivate better relationships.
Positivity, Consistency and Vulnerability
Smiles, laughter, joy, kindness, empathy, affirmations, gratitude, prayers acts of service are all things we should not only seek in friendships, but should also emit these vibrations⊠This does not negate the downside of friendships, the fights, grief, sadness amongst other emotions and energies that you experience? Never that⊠Essentially, energies rub off on each other like I have mentioned in earlier journal entries.. there should be a balance and most importantly consistency . Consistency in the sense of showing up, behaviors, conversations, intimacy, moments friends share together and not just the occasional hi and bye on social media..
Growing up, education and being in school was the proponent of consistency in friendships . We were pretty much around each other all the time and thatâs why nowadays you hear things like âwe were friends in school back thenâ
The Ladder đȘ
The more consistent and vulnerable we can be in our friendships, the stronger they become.. how many of your friends really know you is the question⊠loneliness is not as a result of not having many friends , itâs really just a lack of having âUpper Echelonâ friends who you are extremely vulnerable and consistent with and also have built an incredible level of trust⊠I know trust is a not only a big word but a character trait that is not entirely present in too many people but these things also donât happen overnight. Consistency builds up these things. So how about moving certain people you already have a good relationship with up the consistency ladder as opposed to shopping for multitudes which still leaves you feeling lonely? The fallout of these healthy habits and practices in our relationships should be feelings of being seen, safe and satisfied.
Moving friends up the ladder at this point goes beyond the âhow is your life,â question we all love asking each other. I feel any relationship lacking in depth and any of those key areas is not entirely complete⊠Iâm also not here saying trust every damn person and be vulnerable with everyone, discretion is essential because that is a slippery slope (Grease or Oil, your pick)
I donât think Iâve come across a program or platform that teaches you how to be a better friend which is really weird because we have platforms for other relationship dynamics. We have marriage therapists and clinics, grief counselors, leadership coaching, family and individual therapy but nothing specific that caters to the bedrock of these relationships- Friendships.
The disparity between the energy you give and what you receive coupled with the unreasonably high expectations you have of people oftentimes leave a bitter taste in the mouth especially when people you rated highly fall short.
I understand that maintaining friendships as adults can indeed be overwhelming and itâs a lot going on with everyone; our hectic schedules and just doing life in general can make us lose track of time and important things but i feel that is where the test of friendships lie oftentimes. Being someone you can always count on even when things happen to be a lot. Real friends make time out for each other even when its all overwhelming. In the thick of it, âHow many of us?â
I fell victim to using the word friend a little too loosely and more times these people were merely just acquaintances, people i had mutual connections with, people who only reached out in their time of need. Moments of introspection revealed how surface level a lot of these connections were and how lacking in substance and quality they had been over the years. Friends just because we hung out and not necessarily friendships that challenge and are value driven.
The distinction between these categories of people became clear having experienced real friendships from the ones who have stood the test of time and even fairly new people i could easily have called strangers a year ago.
I wonât limit this entry to just the positives of friendships, lets also talk about the actively toxic ones weâre currently in but still stomach because of the âHistoryâ behind them. Letting go seemed difficult for me at first because i leaned a lot into nostalgia and past experiences but a huge part of growth is being objective and letting go of people and situations that do not serve you in a positive way.
What's worse is being a Codependent person and having the need for these toxic friendships to properly function. Constantly seeking approval and walking on eggshells, if your mood is greatly dependent on how someone else feels, that is the definition of toxic and it needs to be curbed.
Toxicity definitely isnât limited to that, I feel one-sided relationships also are toxic. If one person is always initiating and pursuing, at some point it gets tiring. When conversations begin to feel like a chore it becomes long and less of a conversation if weâre being honestâŠ. I talked about this in an earlier journal entry. Boundaries, supportiveness, absence and or the reoccurrence of conflict amongst other parameters are indicators of the nature of existing friendships.
âHow am I supposed to love, if I donât even love myself?â
It would be heedless of me not to talk about self-love. All what I have spoken about is nonexistent without enjoying your own company, loving and being friends with yourself FIRST. You simply canât give what you donât have. Self-love emits a vibration you cannot deny . The more in love with who you are, the more love, consistency, and attention you can give out to others. Itâs a no-brainer your energy would attract likeminded people and it becomes as organic as possible as opposed to the stress of trying to fit in to certain circles or forcing friendships with certain people which becomes null and void in the long run.
Thereâs no such thing as a âWhole Personâ we all need a solid support system that goes beyond family. Friendships are the next best thing! We hear phrases like âFriend turned brotherâ so I see no reason why we shouldnât at least be invested in people we claim to care about one little way or the other⊠a phone call, text message, even just having people in your prayers and mantras is an amazing investment into the friendship if you ask me. Leave all the social media shenanigans although it does count a tiny percentage to others not most, it really should not be a benchmark or the catalyst of the consistency we seek to achieve. Letâs live in the present moment, in real life, with real people, real emotions and real healthy and deep conversations that foster an environment for our friendships to thrive.
So this is me wrapping up this entry, urging us all to be more active friends, sometimes be the âbigger personâ and reach out first if its someone you really care about. Life is ridiculously fleeting; here today and gone tomorrow.
Delay is dangerous, make you no dey act like mumu â 2baba Circa 2008
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