There really is something up with me and 3am 😅, lately I find myself slipping and going back to some old habits I tried so hard to let go. Like this sleeping late of a thing amongst other vices I let go…I’ve just got a lot going on up here and I find the dead of the night a really calm time to just think and plan… anyway that’s a silly explanation as to why I’m awake but here we are

I feel lately I’ve done a good amount of over sharing with friends and I feel I’ve been untrue to my process by even doing any of it.. the purpose of my journaling really is for self service but I feel I just enjoyed the feedback and conversations I was able to have with people as a fallout of some of these entries.. it felt good knowing I wasn’t the only one having these thoughts and dealing with these emotions. On the other side of the coin, I’ve come to a realization that nobody actually gives a flying fuck.. I mean, clearly we’re all having these thoughts and feelings about things but you don’t exactly see everyone else going around being open and vulnerable about these things so to speak.

I feel I have done myself a disservice not just by being open, but by journaling to incite conversations… I realized I had watered down some of what I actually felt because I had it at the back of my mind to share with “close” friends.. that entirely defeats the purpose of this journey I began.. but at the same time, I’m no ingrate.. I thoroughly enjoyed conversations, advise and different point of views and that definitely has also helped my process.. so it’s somewhat of a catch 22.. even though I probably shared about just 2 or 3 entries tops out of probably about 30+ I have now 😂. It still feels like a disservice to myself…

I’m actively looking for a therapist because talking about stuff with people undoubtedly has made me feel a lot better.. it’s just a way, I’d say uncomfortable for lack of a better word right now being “open” or read in that manner.. even though I’m controlling the narrative so to speak.. I guess I’ll maybe feel comfortable signing a NDA and paying a complete stranger to listen to my shit (you have no idea how hilarious this is🤣☠️) … Idk I just feel “deep” conversations like that are stuff you’d have with a friend naturally without a write up or even a significant other or even a therapist, someone qualified who can give you a better insight in as much as you can’t deny your friends also would have reasonable and relatable perspectives…

There’s really just been a huge disconnect between words and actions lately from a whole lot of people, energies being off amongst other things I’ve come to notice and that’s just reaffirmed to me that “self” should be a priority… I remembered my entry about “borrowing strength” not too long ago and it resonated with me even more at this moment and made me understand the need for independent reasoning, growth and internal discipline.. I think I might have gotten carried away with interdependence for a brief spell!

Idk… lol I keep saying idk, that’s something I’m working on stopping because I actually do know 🤦🏽‍♂️.. what I’m saying is, I just feel like everyone’s going through their own shit.. a problem shared is a problem solved yeah? That’s just a saying in my opinion cos nobody is sharing problems round here.. it’s just face your shit and keep it moving and I feel our environment plays a huge role in that sometimes… everyone’s so stuck up and about their own shit which is fine in my opinion but i have also experienced the power of meaningful conversations and diverse point of views which is why i felt sharing it with a few close people would be an appropriate precursor.. In reality its just people lurking, viewing, going as far as even reading everything with absolutely nothing to add or subtract and that’s kinda like the energy I’m just staying away from.. need solid people around me, thought provoking conversations, contributions, advise, a book? a song? anything??

i mean, someone can read it and take away one thing or even nothing at all.. its just better with engagement and conversations and that’s something that took me a while to hack.. i mean, feedback is not my right, but it makes sense to me that if you’d get this far reading all this, you’d have one or two things to say, relate with, disagree with? or you read it and felt nothing? thought nothing?

Still, I am extremely grateful for the feedback, conversations, calls, texts, videos, music some of you shared with me as opposed to just reading and keeping it moving.. love you guys for real but this will probably be my last public journal entry.. it was definitely fun and essential to my process 🧡

Maybe someday I’ll come back to these entries get some excerpts and write a book of some sort 🤷🏽‍♂️ but for now I’ve decided to stick with the theme and just deal with self.. everyone else is going to be alright. 🧡💫


Edit (28/04/21):

I am a hypocrite. My intent was to stop journaling to incite conversations but i cant lie, I really do enjoy the discussions that come up as a result of these entries. They give me perspective and in someway, shape and form have helped me on this journey. So i decided to come to a compromise, i wont actively “promote” it so to speak.. going to journal as honestly as i can without watering down my message, thoughts and feelings.. post it up as per usual and i guess whoever is inclined to come back to my page and these entries would get to see it. as opposed to the Instagram posts and instigating conversations about the entries....

Love, Light and positive vibrations 💫🧡