Me, Myself & I
Back from my hiatus and it feels lie I've forgotten everything about writing. I've felt uninspired for the most part of it, been going through the motions and lost myself in the thick of it. there have been specks of bright and brilliant moments but those seem to be short lived
I’ve been so consumed in my shit i totally lost sight of how therapeutic coming here to write and vent is. i have missed it and it feels like I'm on training wheels right now but awesome nonetheless to be back.
I recently returned from a short holiday in London where i spent a month with my brother, it’d been a while i had seen him plus i really felt burnt out and needed a break/change of environment! also to hang out with a couple of friends and family which has turned out to be the highlight of my year so far. It was absolutely beautiful, serene, the air was clean, peace of mind and some quiet, amazing weather and i was void of all my worries, reports, excel spreadsheets and deadlines from work momentarily. I just woke up whenever and looked for dope ass places and activities to engage in. walks in the parks that weren't too far from mine with a beautiful book in hand, listening to music felt a lot more gratifying, seeing some animals up, close and personal, going jogging and not breaking a sweat, sitting on a park bench and the cool ass wind hitting all the right spots, trees, nature, shit! feeding the ducks and squirrels had me cheesing like a bush man from the kahalari desert. Just the little things in life you don't necessarily pay attention to became such a source of elation. Granted, this might be a norm to some and might even have become a bore to others but catching a break from being in 4 hour gridlocks, horns blaring, fluctuating electricity, terrible internet, aggressive and innately angry people with closed hearts and defensive engagements on a daily basis to a more serene and calm climb was refreshing. Waking up daily and feeling genuine happiness.. my only moments of disappointment came whenever i tried to compare what i was experiencing to my reality back home and just cursing out the government for making life and living an unbelievable task; depriving us of the little things that make living generally easy. i could write a whole post on this experience, social exclusion and the weaponization of religion, poverty, austerity and angst by the government alongside competing in the same world economy with lesser resources and skills. forgive my digression
“ Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony” — Mahatma Gandhi
A couple of days ago my mom asked me why i haven't been talking lately and in the moment i didn't think much of the question. i just shrugged it off with a smile but in retrospect that was a really good observation she made and i have been totally oblivious to how low i have been vibrating lately.
I’ve been back now for about two months and it still feels like I’m settling in, i was under the weather for some time and i just lost all momentum. work has become so repetitive and irritating, waking up feels so tasking, I've become super lazy with little things, i don’t even cook anymore and i love that shit so much. i just feel jaded and didn’t even know it was being projected to the point of other people noticing. i haven't felt like myself in a minute, it feels like another existential crisis. Just on this hamster wheel, going about my daily feeling so-so, somewhat of an unending game of musical chairs. These are familiar feelings but this time i don't feel entirely depressed so it really didn't hit me how dim my light had been. Indifference, sleepless nights, migraines, and a plethora of unpleasant motions I've been nursing behind the “I'm Fine” i respond with whenever I'm asked how I'm doing .
Usually it takes hitting a physical low for me to recognize I'm down bad but there's been no low this time, just cruising at a really low altitude and “positive vibes” 🔗 hasn't really been cutting it anymore. As much as i try to look on the bright side, i haven't been able to come out of this rot completely and writing is a medium i totally forgot i had (Pun intended) that made these motions less consuming.
Predominantly what i think of i try to steer in the direction of good and positives but there really has been a disconnect and mental conflict with my beliefs and actions. i write about self love and being there for yourself a lot but these things are easier said than done. For a period, you're in a state of flow with these grounding practices and then boom 💥 one slip up and all momentum and motivation is gone, you suddenly feel suck like i do. how do i get rid of this mental fog and get back on my game? the intent of my trip earlier in the year was to let it all go and come back feeling sharp and refreshed but that experience seemed so fleeting. How can i be back and more stressed? i miss the ginger, my flow state and need to be on point as fast as possible.
“Only you can find yourself by losing yourself again and again in the deep darkness of your driving desires.”
― Debasish Mridha
The Illusion of Motivation
Self discovery and reinvention
If there's something that's slowly becoming obvious to me, its that motivation is undependable. it usually is based on energy levels because some days i feel extremely amped up and motivated to do stuff while the others i just want to be a couch potato and just lazy about. i wont go as far as calling motivation useless but on its own it seems ineffective. it can easily be swayed by action and events that are even out of our control. it is emotionally based and can waver in an instant which in effect leaves you waiting till you “feel motivated” to take certain actions. Paired with willpower and being disciplined it then can be very useful. in my experience, built habits do not necessarily need some sort of motivation or willpower since already the decision making aspect of it is taken out. It's a habit, you don't think of it you just do it! this reminded me of my previous entry on Atomic Habits 👈🏽 and the effects of compounding little things till they build into a larger picture. I have been consistent with my habits which is why i didn't feel entirely down for the most part, my level of awareness has significantly increased and i catch myself fast enough. It is a testament to self development and i am grateful for that. Writing this entry just made me realize that what i feel is just a temporal moment of being lost, focusing on the things that aren't working as opposed to being there for myself. The path ahead leads to reinvention and self discovery on a different level. I work on my entries fluidly and not at a straight go which is why it might feel like an emotional rollercoaster or a piece with contradicting notions splattered all over the walls. I started this particular one earlier in the month and wasn't feeling as great as i am right now. All the mantras, work on mindset changing, meditation, gratitude practices, positive intent, praying, podcasts and books have served me a greater purpose for me to get in my own way and dragged down a path of apathy and feeling spent. Sure! we're all allowed these moments of feeling down but it shouldn't linger on too long. The comeback is the important part of the story and i intend on doing it with a big bang! back and better than before. Showing up for myself by being the person i visualize myself becoming not just in thoughts and words but in action too. The person i am mentally doesn't roll over and get a beatdown from perceived realities or emotions and that's exactly what my action should reflect. adiós cognitive dissonance!
Manifesting = Intention + Action
“Sometimes when you lose your way, you find YOURSELF.”
― Mandy Hale
Writing this entry has been the impel i needed to remember who i am and come alive, the antidote to the poison. I'm reading my old posts and seeing how much work i put in to get to where i am now and it would be nothing but a disservice to myself by dulling this sharp sword. I hope someone somewhere also taps into this energy and can pull themselves up, keep it pushing with the utmost discipline . that's what separates the the victors from the vanquished. Dont bank all your coins on being motivated, it doesn't always cash out. you have to do it even on days you don't feel like. Discipline is a more lucrative path and your willpower gives a little extra push. you can not only find yourself but also go a step further to create who you want to become. If you ever feel like a stranger to yourself or you feel lost to depression, relationships, the general stresses of life, creating yourself is viable. it really is an unending process simply because life experiences aren't linear but rather evolving and the more we grow and experience, the more we know ourselves and can make tweaks here and there to become better. suffice to say, its not an easy job but ultimately it is worth it and there's a sense of victory and achievement when you break these layers.
Habits ranging from Mindfulness, unplugging from the world and spending time alone, journaling, exercise, finding out your higher values and identifying areas that need some working on, going on new exploits, getting rid of old habits that don't do the best for you, being compassionate with yourself, not being too lax with yourself in the same breath, auditing yourself and your set goals, exploring passions and trying new things all give a clearer sense of who we are in my own experience.
Finding yourself means being more aware of the person who you are, and accepting of your feelings, thoughts, personality, goals, and dreams. While no single right way to go about this exists, the experts say there are generally a few things you can take to push things in the right direction. You’ll want to do a lot of introspection and get out there in the real world to have a clearer sense of who you really are
Ending this entry and month on a better note than it all started thankfully! Grateful for health, family, for my dog Zeus, my friend on VSCO😏 , for music and for the opportunity to improve myself.
Sending you all Love, clarity, intuition and peace of mind. I'll be back with another entry real soon 💜💫🚀
Midè
