Love, Light & the Recluse 🕳
Social stamina and a much needed recharge 🔌🔋
A persistent Social Hangover would be an apt way of describing these past couple of days. i have felt completely out of it while sill managing to “Maintain Beauty” 😅. it really just feels like there's a timer about to go off and it would trigger a self-destruct protocol.
You ever felt like there's just so much chatter and noise going on not only in your head, but in actual reality… i expressed some feelings of irritation and exasperation more so with work than life in general and i found these feelings trickle into every other thing which is an absolute bummer.
Is a little quiet and alone time too much to as for? what’s worse? its extremely unhealthy to project these emotions and be a Debby downer so it’s just been bottled up and Concealed with a fugazi disposition for God knows how long.
I still have been somewhat true to my practices that keep me grounded, i still have my meditation sessions, moments of reflection and personal audits but that really isn't the kind of “quiet” I'm speaking to.
Introversion and Social Stimulation
The title of this entry will be particularly confusing to people who know me considering the fact that my personality type is more of introverted. Not chronic but largely introverted, so where exactly is this social exhaustion coming from? Dexter isn't a social person is he?
Introversion can easily be misconstrued as being in a shell, or just being quiet and shy but i feel that’s way off.. introverts do put in efforts to socialize but it just takes a heavier toll and requires a lot of input.. at least for myself. the ideal standards set to achieve for socialization are a bit too much if you ask me, being actively involved in conversations, speaking more and voicing opinions, even having an opinion about certain things just feels like a task but i found that to be somewhat relatable if you want to navigate this world of predominantly extroverted personality types, you might need to be familiarized with certain things or at least pretend to be interested in them to be relatable with the vast majority “Fake it till you make it”
Let me use male friendships as an example especially in this part of the world, I've found that guys enjoy soccer a lot! rewind to 5/6 years ago i had little to no interest in it, i had no idea what players played which positions 😂… only thing i knew back then were the fairly popular players. i was so out of touch, when it was time to play some FIFA on PlayStation, I'd just jump straight into the match. didn't know how to set formations or even setup my controller 🤣🤣 it was that terrible.
Over time, i realized how relatable guys around me were to soccer so i slowly developed an interest and eventually became comfortable enough with watching a full 90minute match without sleeping off 🤦🏽♂️. i enjoyed it enough to identify certain players i liked and that would really be the core of my contribution to any soccer related conversations. but if i were to be completely honest with myself, do i care about soccer? absolutely not! so you see what i mean by being relatable and faking it? sometimes it just feels necessary to fit in or not feel left out of certain experiences.
At first, i thought maybe it was just my circle of friends that were super fans of soccer but even at work, church and other social gatherings, soccer just comes up like it’s a topic every guy is supposed to be familiar with.. other funny social scenarios are those that involve fairly popular music and Dexter is the only weirdo in the room asking “who sang this song” or out with his shazam in a gathering of people singing and dancing along to the songs. or people speaking about fairly popular reality shows or trending topics on social media, even certain celebrities people just expect you to know and I’m just there completely clueless as to what is being said. is it wrong not to care about these things? at first i felt like i was in the wrong social circle, but how can every circle be wrong? talk about a “square peg in a round hole”. anyway those were just cases in point. apologies for the digression. back to introversion
Donning the Armour of extroversion (Necessary hypocrisy) 🛡
Faking it like i mentioned earlier is something introverts are familiar with, in fact, the term used to describe such people are “ Pseudo — Extroverts”
In this day and age, the extroverted personalities often seem to get a lot more done and achieved as a result of their outgoing and bubbly personalities that allow them not only maneuver but fit into the societal circles and uphold certain standards that applaud charm and personality as opposed to character and values. so it should come as no surprise that introverts sometimes act out of character by being pseudo extroverts for a period of time in an attempt to feel seen and heard, fit in, achieve a goal of passion or even just to avoid being labeled a weirdo. have you ever looked back at something you said or did and gone “Wow, i said that? i did that?” weather it was under the influence of whatever substance or even in sobriety.. just looking back and realizing that was entirely out of character all in an attempt to feel “normal” or to get what we want.
Even something as basic as a job interview. we go in there with so much enthusiasm, charm and charisma because we know that is what people look for in addition to actual qualifications and whatnot. we try to come off as outgoing and relatable people. jobs don't advertise for shy, quiet candidates who prefer to work in silos or bubbles and have little to no social interaction skills so you can agree with me that there is a societal standard.
Exhaustion and the need for a recharge
This past couple of months have been really interactive and engaging for myself . although i have enjoyed and gained a lot from the engagements, i just cant shake off this feeling of exhaustion and irritation, i feel really drained and this initially started with work, i felt it was as a result of not getting my annual leave and catching a break from work activities but i slowly came to the realization it wasn't just a work thing, i felt that way with things and people i never got tired of. conversations lately have felt like an absolute chore and i just couldn't be bothered about any of it. This usually for me is a gateway to depressive feelings and behaviors but for some reason this time feels a lot different and i cant put my finger on what it is. sometimes i wish i could just crawl into a hole and hibernate or disappear.
Majority of these interactions have been via social media, text messages and virtually. If i am being honest, i feel this has played a major role in the fatigue. unlike your typical introvert who would prefer these virtual interactions (Like i did once upon a time), i have found real life communication to be more gratifying and stimulating lately. social media is a façade and has become less appealing to myself. anybody can really say anything or be anything behind the screen although in this day and age that is primarily how communication is done. its so much easier to present the best version of yourself virtually as opposed to actually being vulnerable, its easier to give apologies that lack intent and depth with your phone, the absence of Emotional Contagion is also evident. its a lot harder to tell who or what is genuine and really it just dulls your social interaction skills in the real world because it’s so much different and i really just feel spent trying to “keep up” this way.
To me, nothing beats a physical interaction and just being in the moment with a person irrespective of how socially awkward and out of place i might feel (which is sometimes draining and typically something introverts don’t engage in) My take-home from these interactions are usually a lot more cogent and meaningful. Although, I have had some pretty interesting conversations with some really new and beautiful people on my socials lately, conversations about life, music, art, wellness, Nigeria… things that excite me and make me sad sometimes and I’m pretty certain those conversations take a different dimension in person. It’s really just the overstimulation that’s got me irked out. I most definitely know how to do without it, I just felt like I had a lot to give and maybe sometimes it’s okay to feel spent and just turn it down a notch 🔇🤷🏽♂️.It feels like i went on a social binge and now i have to deal with the hangover.
“Love light and some more love” was my original entry for this month you can see how cheery that entry was going to be but I really feel tapped out on the love giving and just left my entry half done. Not like I don’t have love to give, I’m just tired if that makes any sense and also maybe the lack of reciprocity of energy from certain people if I’m being transparent with this entry.
A sequestered place is where my mind wants to be as of today. I'm not sad or depressed, I’m just tired (sounds like a brilliant book idea) and i would like to shift my focus and energies to self and wellness in these coming months. I don’t think that’s selfish or too much to ask for.
I wouldn’t describe myself as a people pleaser but I have observed that I usually want to be “good” or at least on a friendly note with most people and i’m trying to get over that. I don’t know how to be dismissive or how to not respond or be on talking terms with certain people especially people i rate and have been on good terms with which has definitely had a toll on me cos I tend to overthink things but I’ve just got this “Fuck it” feeling that’s been brewing and it’s about time to serve a cold pint out 🍺 and just do my own thing.
Quiet people have the loudest minds
In all honesty, i have a lot more to pen down but like i said, the exhaustion is real and I'm not in that space mentally so this would be an unusually short entry. i did read some interesting books in the course of the month and i promise to share excerpts when I'm feeling up to it.
I will end this entry with a couple of quotable lines from my reading exploits during this beautiful month, it might not exactly correlate with the ideas behind this entry but these are things that spoke to me in the course of this month and i see no harm in sharing.
I’ll still be posting up journal entries as the inspiration comes but as far as social interactions, i just need a reset! sooooo this is me saying I'm alright, I'm not ignoring any of my people or my responsibilities, “I'm not sad or depressed, I'm just tired” and need a little break to feel recharged. I will be responding on my medium because i have met a lot of strangers who relate with my entries and have been open enough to reach out, spark insightful conversations that contribute to my wellness and also validate my journaling efforts (even if that is an extremely shallow thought process)
As usual, i wish you guys an amazing month of October, not so sure about purpose filled or driven like i usually am but try to live it out mindfully and take really good care of your health (physical and mental), increase your water intake and get some fresh air. stay off the vices for a minute and just enjoy your company whenever you can. it's too loud out here!
Love, Light and do what makes you happy my guys!
All my love 🧡