It’s dead in the a.m. 3 ish, can’t sleep so I’ve done a meditation session and this is all I could pull from the experience. Consistency

I’ve come to realize consistency keeps me grounded. My new found routines and patterns have put me in a space mentally where I’m beginning to identify things, people and behaviors that help me maintain consistency.. I feel at my best when there’s a level of regularity in certain areas of my life.. no longer with the on and off situations, habits and people!

Not too long ago I wrote about losing my essence and wanting to get back the “old me” but with each passing week and more mindful experiences I realize I don’t even want that anymore.. the present is way more valuable and I am fully enjoying my new experiences.. I feel more at ease, more articulate, open, empathetic amongst other emotions and I no longer want that “old me”

I’m identifying things, people, patterns, conversations that are consistent in my life rn,make me happy, keep me leveled and somewhat at “peace”

I no longer want anything forced with anybody irrespective of who or how much I love the person or thing... I believe energy is contagious and I shouldn’t let someone else’s rub off on me if I’m not feeling in tune with what the person is putting out….

I also feel that’s self centered but I can’t help it.. granted, we’re all going through things on an individual level in our personal lives and we can’t all “be there” all the time. (Which is extremely conflicting to me sometimes. I mean what’s the essence of love and friendships if you can’t “be there” ? Isn’t that what qualifies Or tests the relationship so to speak ? Why are you my friend if I can’t Be there for you or you can’t be there for me or is that being too clingy? Attached? Dependent? demanding? I mean, it’s something I still have to deal with, sit and think about or probably talk to someone about) lol I seriously digressed there 🤦🏽‍♂️

What I’m getting at is I’ve realized over the past few weeks that we can’t all be there for each-other as much as we want to, end of the day all you really have is yourself…

Something I read in 7 habits resonates with me a lot… it seems applicable in this context ;

Borrowing strength builds weakness. It builds weakness in the borrower because it reinforces dependence on external factors to get things done. It builds weakness in the person forced to acquiesce, stunting the development of independent reasoning, growth, and internal discipline. And finally, it builds weakness in the relationship. Fear replaces cooperation, and both people involved become more arbitrary and defensive.

I also came to a realization for the second time lol that making assumptions definitely is the lowest level of knowledge! If only people actually communicated a lot more, there’d be needless gripes and mental gymnastics trying to guess how the other person actually felt.. …. Also just going beyond the surface “how are you” (which the default answer is always “I’m okay, alright or fine) ….speaking with people this past month, reconnecting with old friends has made me realize “I’m okay” is just a fat lie.. nobody is actually okay.. so why can’t we say “hey, I’m not okay” ?

Also I feel I tend to overreach If that makes sense.. I never want to feel like a beg.. I mean if I’ve made my intent as clear as I feel I can a first time, why do I have to extend the same “courtesy” a second or third time? Isn’t That begging? Well to me that’s what it feels like and I’ve had that experience with probably a couple of people in the past month so it’s something I have my mind and eye on… or is it just pride? entitlement and ego at play? What’s really wrong in asking a second or third time even? Will I die if I do? I mean if it’s something I really want then I should keep asking you’d think ? 😂😂

I’ve also learnt not to take peoples response time as an indication for interest or non interest…. I genuinely believe everyone has priorities. As busy as we all claim to be we are aware of our time and how and who we want to spend it on. I mean it’s only 24 hours in one day!

A huge part of being self centered is expecting to be someone’s priority. I mean I wasn’t even my own priority up until now 😂. So it’s just silly and plain entitlement if we’re keeping it 2 virgils and it’s something I’m making efforts to work on…. These days, I’m not trying to force any friendships, conversations, patterns… I mean if it happens then fine. It happens…Like I said earlier, nothing forced! Gotta match the energy like a conversation I had with a friend weeks ago.. but a part of me also feels like that’s petty.. I mean, why are we matching energies? Is it ànco??? 😂☠️. My energy is my energy! If it’s polarized with yours then it’s not even a case of “opposites attract” it just doesn’t match and why not just dead it?? Why try to make it “Work” ? Play it cool?…. Idk I’m just extremely conflicted and I haven’t had the time to pick these things apart and come to a resolve..

I honestly don’t have this piece in any order.. it’s really just ramblings.. but it helps me feel better knowing I can always come back to this and pick something to “work on”.. hopefully more mindful experiences would give me some more insight to specific triggers and how to deal with these situations.

If there’s something I’m becoming uncomfortable with, it’s apologies after the fact.. I mean why can’t I? Why can’t we be in the present and be aware of our actions and inactions? Why so many “I’m sorry” where do we draw the line of things being intentional? I mean, if I’m doing the exact same thing twice, three times.. then it becomes a pattern and in no time it’s a behavior.. so what’s the apology for? A behavior I’ll repeat and still say “sorry” for 😂🤦🏽‍♂️ gosh!

Also I’ve felt in the past week or so that “intent” really doesn’t mean much.. you can be intentional about your words, patterns and actions but if the people you’re being intentional towards can’t see this “intent” then what is the purpose? As much as I’d like to think it’s for “self” it also is for others.. I mean the idea is to be a better person for yourself so you can be better to others right?

But then again coming from someone who never really showed his personality, do I really think my “Intent” and old or new patterns are easily identifiable?? As much as I’d like to think someone “knows me” I genuinely feel they don’t even know the half of it

It’s literally 6am and I’ve just been ruminating on these fragments of thoughts in my head.. there isn’t necessarily a conclusion to be drawn here but they’re just clouding thoughts to me right now and I have no resolve

Away from all the ramblings, something I’ve really been enjoying a lot lately is reading and podcasts.. reading has been so much fun on my tablet as opposed to a cellphone with all the distractions. I’m enjoying 7 habits currently and I’m happy I shared it on Instagram.. Usman, Ebube, Ibukun and someone else I can’t remember now have read it and they recommended other good reads I’m looking forward to.. I can imagine how fun it’d be to actually read a book with someone and experience it at the same time.. I’m totally going to look into book clubs once I gain some traction and stability in this reading goal I’ve set for myself.

Usman put me on Jay shetty’s podcast and it’s absolutely amazing!!! conversations I’m having on my lonely in my head about life and purpose.. I’ve gone and found out this guy has amazing podcasts with incredible guests talking about these things in-depth and how to navigate it.. it’s been awesome!!!

Unrelated But I’m leaving my job by the end of the year 🤞🏾. Idk how or when but typing it out makes it a step closer to being real for me.. I like and know how to make serious money too much to be tied down to a desk feeling unfulfilled.. I just need a plan for real. Enough snoozing

Love,Light & Positive Vibrations