Implode then explode? 💣

Olúmidé
4 min readApr 20

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Triggered

Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash

Anger is an emotion i have suppressed for a relatively long period of time and i feel like i’m about to implode then explode. I want to be levelheaded always, to be in control of my emotions and have some sort of poker face even when i feel irritated to my gut. For the most part i have been successful with having a logical, calm demeanor and nonconfrontational approach to solving issues (issues that i know very well stem from places of emotions) but everything should have a limit.

As it turns out, being able to consistently stifle your anger is not a sign that you’re emotionally healthy. — Annie Mueller

I have been (Indirectly) going through a situation at work since the beginning of the year i wish i could speak on but i can’t. This dilemma has exposed how angry i am to myself and also revealed my anger has been built up for years and is not exclusively because of the current situation. Does that make any sense?

I feel this anger and irritation spill into other areas of my life and i’m not just angry but also unhappy with myself for letting this consume me. This anger is affecting me in miniscule ways that it ideally shouldn't

I find myself impatient behind the wheel, mentally; i'm digging up memories and situations that had been substantially suppressed/resolved and this rage is growing a lot more, things and people i could swear i had already come to peace with, i find myself getting angry all over again. Feeling upset at things i normally wouldn't give a second of my time, posts on social media that i wouldn't entertain just stir this anger in me and misdirected anger is not something i want to be a part of. Unexpressed anger to me is like a Molotov cocktail with a lit rag at the top waiting to be flung wherever. and i don't want this hitting anyone or anything i care about.

Photo by Till Kraus on Unsplash

Whenever i take a breather and try to gather myself, it strikes me again that WORK is really where this anger should be directed to but i'm not really allowed to do that. Like i said earlier, it’s a situation that affects me indirectly. I cant stomach seeing someone (of great value) being treated with absolutely no regard and spite. It hurts me; the gossip, lies, hearsay and rumors, the quality of conversations and interactions i have been exposed to as a result of this ordeal has affected me mentally to a large extent. I have lost about 4kg in the space of 2 months just because of thoughts and anger.

I felt unwell physically yesterday, that was the last straw! Anger can get you physically sick? I just clocked out by noon and called it a day. Woke up today, went on my morning walk and i was still pretty irritated and angry even with my breath under control in full stride and a podcast in my ear to “distract” me.

Ridiculous! I have my phone on dnd and i don't intend on being in the office until next week. I lack the bandwidth or mental fortitude to talk or think about work so i'll be on my couch until further notice.

If you're my colleague in the office and feel the need to narc on me after reading this, by all means 😂. This is the entry of a man on the brink of losing his shit and honestly i feel it's in the best interest of everyone i remain at home for now because…….

The anger that doesn’t get to be, and act, and solve, and express, becomes something much darker than anger: It becomes a sickness, a poison.- Annie Mueller

…… And poison spreads very fast. The angst and unhappiness of my colleagues in the office as a result of what's happening had also rubbed off on me a lot and only in this moment of reflection have i realized that.

There's a stoic meditation i like that goes;

And when you do become angry, be ready to apply this thought, that to fly into a passion is not a sign of manliness, but rather, to be kind and gentle. For insofar as these qualities are more human, they are also more manly. It is the man who possesses such virtues who has strength, nerve, and fortitude, and not one who is ill-humored and discontented. Indeed, the nearer a man comes in his mind to freedom from unhealthy passions [apatheia], the nearer he comes to strength. Just as grief is a mark of weakness, so is anger too, for those who yield to either have been wounded and have surrendered to the enemy. — Meditations, 11.18

I don't necessarily subscribe to the idea that grief and anger are indicators of a weakness. The moment its beginning to eat you up from the inside is when i can consider it a weakness. when it’s held on to and magnified in an unhealthy way like i am experiencing is when it is a weakness. I refuse to be weak!

Awareness is half the job, what now? i still feel angry even in the comfort of my home.

Q; How do you quell the anger when it becomes too much?

Q: What ways do you De-stress when its heavy?

Q; What are your favorite quotes, bible verses, books or media on anger?

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