Photo by Liane Metzler on Unsplash

Father Myself 🔭

Another Father’s day has come upon us, i never really used to pay this day any mind cos to me it’s just a regular day even when my father was alive, it was just like any other day except the morning “Happy Fathers Day” text message he got😅 … he wasn’t one to feel a way if he did or didn’t receive any fathers day loving or gifts from any of his children still.. he was the absolute definition of “Cool as ice” and his birthday interestingly is just a couple of days after fathers day.

Since his untimely demise, i try to make every thought and memory of him i have a good memory or celebration of some sort not because he was a “perfect” human being worthy of emulation on all plains. Nah, Its more because for the longest, its been poignant feelings, feelings of grief and regret for not being emotionally mature at the time to build a pretty close relationship with him, feelings of loss when i look at my mom.. i just look at her sometimes and in my mind I’m like “damn”.. That was her actual person you know? married to for decades, built a business from scratch with him and all that…..I reminisce sometimes about how they’d both come back from church on Sundays and gossip 🤣 You’d hear my mothers laughter pierce through the walls of their room straight into my room at the time.. I haven’t heard my mom laugh that hard since he left us but ill definitely hack that someday…

When i think of him these days it has to be positive, it has to make me happy, it has to fuel me in someway because believe it or not, the pressure has been turned up even with how cool i enjoy playing it, responsibilities have been greatly increased and the luxury of experimenting and making needless mistakes suddenly feel aloof.. i have felt the urge to be “sure” and often times when i feel lost i just ask “What would he do?” even when there’s a deep yearning just to speak to him and hear his voice or just a yes or no.. you know? looking in the sky all dramatic like “give me a sign” 😂

Do i have people i look up to and can speak to like a father? a father figure so to speak? honestly to me, its simply as the name implies “a figure”. I do have a couple of people i look up to as mentors and i can and have gone to but that just goes as far as i let it…. Its more career advise and little gems of wisdom here and there.. everyone honestly has their own issues to deal with so i don’t hold on to mere words and promises certain people make... “A promise is comfort to a fool” but a promise from my father would hold tons of weight to me because i know how invested he was in his children… i think the language, tone, sense of dedication and urgency is indeed different and dire when it’s your child in need of something or just some words that could potentially be epoch making as opposed to someone coming to you as a mentee. I’m no ingrate, i do appreciate those that even care enough to reach out to me on some father figure tip also. It’s indicative of not just empathy but just being a decent human being reaching out and see how someone else is faring.

Now lets also not even try to discount mom, nah! That’s not what i set out to do.. she’s basically a mutant superhero. She’s my mom and dad right now but i got a whole different chapter just for her… its father’s day, i see everyone out here with eulogies and good shit to say and naturally i felt really sad initially because i miss my dad a lot. Now more than ever especially but i gave myself a second and all i can do is be happy to have experienced having him as a father, pull the positives from the way he lived his life and just keep it pushing in his loving memory.

These days i don’t feel like a brother or just a son, responsibilities unfurl into realms of being a dad and older brother to one, being a son and also having the listening ear and giving advise and assurances like a husband would, being an uncle amongst other unimaginable positions I've had to fill in over the years while still trying to find myself in this maze of life.

“They say pressure burst pipes or it makes diamonds”

Loads of people go through life without fathers at the end of the day and they turn/turned out just great and that’s a cold hard truth 🧊..Some have never met theirs, others just don’t get along but that isn’t my reality so i can’t speak on the intricacies or even begin to imagine the motions they go through but what i do know is fathers are of great importance, at least mine is to me even in his demise…. someday i hope to be one too and hopefully build the kind of relationship i envisioned or even better.

I feel at some point it falls on us as children to build a better relationships with our parents. In my opinion, the older generation don't really know how to be not just parents but friends especially in this part of the world.. it usually is an authoritative way of raising kids lacking the intimacy and emotional availability i believe it requires. its only when you get older certain things and vulnerable feelings are really expressed. Also families differ and what I'm saying is absolute jargons to someone else which is why i wont dwell on that train..

Let me share something crazy about grief with you guys… not too many years ago, I'd beat myself up silly mentally if i ever went a day or more without having a memory, mental picture or even just a conversation about my dad. it felt like an absolute betrayal of his memory not to think of him and then i thought to myself “does my mother think of him everyday?” can you imagine how much pain that would cause?

Do we think of people we’ve lost every single day? That's the thing about life really, the world literally keeps spinning and time truly heals.. now, you wont be healed completely, but definitely more equipped to handle the emotions attached to the memories and grief by channeling it and making it a driving force that propels more productive exploits and activities like writing😅 ….. in the past, id be super moody and in a depressive state whenever his birthday was close.. not like we threw the most amazing parties for him when he was alive but that was definitely in the plans amongst other rad shit you do for your father when he’s ageing but “God knows best” yeah? lol

This year, I’m living it up for my OG, none of that sadness this time! He lived an amazing life, touched countless and also left an amazing family behind who will keep his legacy alive! Everyday is Father’s Day over here as long as your memory lives with us ❤… Wishing the coolest Dad in the world a Happy posthumous Birthday. Wishing all dads out here an epic father’s day too!

Love, Light & Positive Vibrations 💫💛

Midè 🪶

Journal entries mostly 📓👓 Vsco.co/edimulo 📸🇳🇬🦅