Only started immersing myself into meditating a couple of weeks ago, previously Iād just dabble into it and lose interest. I felt it was all about staying in one position or just listening to sounds to calm you down. My mindset about it from the jump was just uninformed ā¦. Couple months down the line I find myself in a YouTube rabbit hole getting information about what it was, why people did it and how it could be helpful in reducing stress. Now Iām drawn in and i find myself actually trying out some of the techniquesā¦
What i can tell you i have picked from the little time i have had with it is self-awareness.. Basically identification, reflection and you come to a resolution within yourself. I realized i was always in my head and never really took the time to be still and actually look at things one at a time which is something i believe not all of us actually do. Being still, slowing things down and actually pick things apart in your crowded head one at a time.
My headspace was overwhelmed more or less.. It was hard for me to focus on just one particular thing. This is when a close friend told me about personal journals and putting things down being an avenue to not just vent but critically access my thoughts and make conscious decisions.
In your head, itās just a thought but the moment you put it down it then becomes an idea, a solution, it really could be anything. Just donāt let it get lost in your head. (I came up with that āŗļø Iād like to think, but lifeās so funny someone else somewhere has said the exact same thing probably) ā No idea is original
That being said, i had time to really look at myself and ask: āOlu wagwan?, where are you? This isnāt youā. This took me back to a conversation i had with one of my guys about me not even recognizing myself anymore, just operating in the physical and having no absolute control of life, not knowing my purpose, what made me happy, my expectations.. Basically been living like a zombie for the longest, just getting through each day as it comes, not really paying attention to selfā¦.
Letās rewind the tape to late 2019. Iām in an extremely bad place mentally, unhappy, feeling unfulfilled basically having an existential crisis lol but āBoys donāt cryā. Meanwhile I still have to turn up at work act like I wasnāt irritated or like I wanted to be thereā¦.the yearās coming to an end Iām in low spirits.. Spoke to a friend and basically realized āBoo- hoo Dexter, stop whining like a babyā i wasnāt the only one going through all that life shit. Alright so I make up my mind to try and be in better spirits, I run around Nigerian Immigration, get my passport patterned and Iām planning a trip for 2020 to go chill with my brothersā¦
The infamous 2020 arrives, Iām starting it on a good note, going church again, having a good time, smiling and all that stuff happy people do lol.. at this point in time Iām free of all my vices, no clouds, very limited alcohol, Iād go out to treat myself, my consumption of water is up to 3 liters daily, Iām feeling really good and blessed .. boom boom all that good stuff, thinking about my flight to Canada and how Iām hugging my bros at the airportā¦ COVID-19 came in March and said āYo! My nigga, my bro, my chargie, relax. Youāre doing too muchā
So its Lockdown, everyone is Still getting used to working from home, Rona wasnāt too serious.. Thereās a market close to my estate so i wasnāt stressed about food, just drive down, get some groceries and pattern something nice for myself because i had just started getting into cooking and using my kitchen not just for indomie and toast.. After a couple of weeks of this, Iām back with my demons, questioning what the hell my purpose was again.. Work has slowed down, business slowing the fuck down too and I just felt stuck again.. Then I turned to my trusty vice: Marijuana.
Letās go back a bit to 2019 again ā¦. I had an experience with weed and I just said to myself āOlu, this weed thing is absolute crap, itās not for youā. My introduction to marijuana was an entirely different experience, i was with my friends, we had real good strains back then, i mean youād feel the euphoria, youāre seeing colors, hearing music better, having better conversations especially for an introverted person like myself.. Anyway itās 2019. I am not getting that same experience from indulging anymore.. Instead it makes me irritated, paranoid, i get stuck in my head and i overthink, i felt it was the strain i was getting cos it honestly felt like everyone was selling cheese.. youād be on a buzz and just feel so head/body heavy, pretty much useless and subconsciously i was getting used to the feeling of just being numb and keeping it pushingā¦ Well, I had a really bad high, I mean really bad high, you know them āGod forgive me, wonāt do this again high?. Iām looking at myself in the mirror like: okay Olu youāve smoked this pack now abi? How do you feel? Look at yourself, are you happy? loooool š ..Look i felt so cheated first (20k for this crap?) then i felt shame and disappointment and decided not to do it anymore. I consciously flushed the rest of my pack and threw out my paraphernalia. I experienced dependency, withdrawal, sobriety and i became resolute to not indulge going forward and i did stay away from it for a really long time because i moved my focus to work and other business ventures so i did not really have the time to indulge.
So weāre back in 2020 (Wear your mask please) Corona is here, Iām feeling depressed and hey i go get some weed, i mean we weāre going to be locked up for God Knows how long and i really couldnāt be bothered about any financial implications cos āthere wasnātā so i buy myself half an ouncešØ, just home āEnjoyingā. At this point i knew how to pace myself, it was still cheese type of loud they sold a year later (smh) but i knew my dosage. Iād take just enough to make sure i canāt think of whatās going on in my head.. Iād do all that, fuck up my sleep pattern because no office to go to.. Up all night video gaming and micro dosing on some wack ass loud pack, ignore my feelings, my problems and just pretty much kept it moving (in the wrong direction)
Like i said, i knew myself so i never overdid it, i was always still on point for my office duties, zoom meetings, relationships with some real friends and family so i didnāt see what i was doing as self-destructive in anyway. To me, Iām just a regular Nigerian guy handling stress how i know so yeah? i mean āitās not cocaine yeah?ā lmfao! I basically maintain that pace for 2020, Iād toke on occasions on and off. It got so damn boring and at some point i didnāt even indulge unless i was out with friends that did and more times na woman smh.
2020ās moving on, i discovered cooking wasnāt hard and all you had to do was follow instructions. i mean, just copy what you see them do in the video. itās not rocket science.. So Iām getting more into the cooking, stopped the smoking entirely, started a small business selling some food since people werenāt buying shoes.. S/O my friends that believed in my cooking osah, oge, uffs, Ebube, Temi, Seun placed a whole ass order for her office. ā¤ļø love you guys lol.. Iām doing all that Iām in better spirits, Iāve zeroed travelling out of my plans, Iām enjoying work a bit more, āselling foodā, āMoving them packsā lmfao the irony! Normalcy youād think? lol yeah right.
The month is October and the theme is #ENDSARS, everyone was tired, people dying left and right at this point no loud so i am very sober, receptive and i have more time to actually process how i feel, listennnn Iām flung into another depressive fit! When i say depressive fit Iām not eating, sleeping right, Iām extremely angry at Nigeria, being Nigerian angry at everything.. Normally id go to work physically like 3 times a week because there was some stability and cases of covid dropped but at this point i had gotten to my limit.. i mean, i work for the State Government and i know for a fact they did not give #ENDSARS the attention and care a responsible Government should, Iām thinking to myself why am i in this bloody country, why am i even alive? I mean, can the world just end already.. That was my mood most of October, i completely went off grid.. no socials cos i couldnāt process what was going on not just in Naij, but in the world, at this point Iāve also lost a distant relative to Covid, My friends mom is in the hospital really sick, Iām reminiscing about when my dad was sick having sleepless nights, fully turned to a prayer warrior āGod! Nothing must happen to my guys mumsy oā.. Everything just shit! So my head was pretty much done in.. Youād speak to me, comment on my cooking and have no clue cos āBoys donāt cry. (Seriously listen to that song, its dope)
So letās fast forward to November, still in low spirits then i get a mail from the Head of Service, itās a memo mandating all staff to get a compulsory COVID-19 test, so like Iām scared but not scared cos i knew for a fact people at work had it but i had no symptoms plus i had already stopped going like i said earlier so i felt i was good.. Went and did that ānot so expensiveā test and i get a call the next day with my result saying it was positive.. At this point all my anger and frustration just faded away. In my head Iām like how tf is this happening 2020 was taking a pissssssssss.. Anyway, more Debbie downer and depressive moments but Iām using all my drugs doing the necessary in preparations for my second covid test which came out Negative š
I was in the midst of just trying not to be angry at myself, at Nigeria, at life in general then i search on YouTube how to reduce stress thatās when i found myself in a rabbit hole of meditation and all it entails like i said earlier.. Iām getting familiar with little tools just to help me relax like breathing exercises, Apps like Headspace, Mindfulness app and all that (Not a paid promo).. So at this point i am meditating on and off and i did see a little change in perspective, emotions, and things i thought about leaned more in a positive directionā¦. weeks down the line Iām doing it for longer periods and feeling a lot better about life, Iām doing all this without telling anyone, just experimenting, having fun with it.
Itās 2021, a new year, Iāve come into it Covid free and with new habitsā¦ Iāve just completed a mindfulness meditation session and i have come to the realization that i had seriously lost myself, i had let the āAngry Nigerian Environmentā condition me into this unhappy, always stressed and paranoid person but i promise you canāt tell all that though my social media posts (Iām fugazi) i mean, i didnāt know the last time i felt genuinely happy. letās take it back to 2016 before i lost my dad, that was the last time i remembered and Iām like ādamnā aint life a just a giant pot of beans?? I was happy happy happy, this was before Desayo left naij, i had just gotten a job, i was feeling so high off lifeā¦ all my guys taking the next step, travelling out everything just Fettuccini Alfredo and cheese with a glass of henny on ice you knowā¦ so Iām in a loop of identification, reflection and resolution. Now i know i need to get back to my essence, do the things that make me happy or get an extent of resolution from writing all this downā¦ Imagine going through all that bullshit and not having a moment to pause and actually take it inā¦ just numbing the motions and living life zombie modeā¦ nah, thatās not me anymore.
These days Iām mindful of the energy around me, i speak to people that make me happy and want to speak to me, no more forced conversations. Get with it, or get lost.. I have definitely had down moments like losing colleagues at work to covid but i have somehow found ways to deal with it like not to dwelling on the negative and focusing my thoughts on what i want to manifest. Rest in peace to all the lost soulsā¦ at this point i am somewhat numb to death. I feel like itās bound to happen cos death knows no names or age, you dig? You 6ft dig? (im actually hilarious š ). I like morbid shit sometimes. Iām twisted š¤·š½āāļø
These days, Iām up by 6am work or not i donāt care! Iām up! i have a very good 15min steam inhalation session, clear out my airways, make myself feel alright then put my phone away and i meditate for at least 10 minutes.. take in what Iām grateful for, positive affirmations, i listen to some calm music too if i feel like being fully immersed and i have a cold ass shower to feel lit, a little prayer doesnāt hurt too if youāre a religious person. Basically i am in a better space mentally and am trying to find the āolu i miss so muchā. Letās wrap this up in the next paragraph pls, Iām hungry at this point.
I have written all that not to draw out a moral lesson or to tell anybody to stop indulging in vices. nah, do drugs please, ehn? smoke your smoke. i did it cos itās a step after reflection. It should be a personal Journal for my own consumption but i just feel someone else i know is going through a hard time. Also, Iām learning not to leave things in my head and just let it out.. Hoping for the best out of life for myself and you reading this.. For me, Meditation got me here, for someone else, Religion or even a near death experience might bring them to the same self-awareness and hopefully we all pull positives from this. This is just after a couple of weeks and i canāt wait to get back to the feeling of naturally being high off life, it shouldnāt be just an expression, it can be a reality if you truly put your mind and effort to it. Donāt let Nigeria steal your joy please. This is the beginning of a journey, and i have decided to believe in it. Going in with not too high expectations but hoping for a fruitful experience.. All this just after one 27 min session. The only way i can describe it is an āExperienceā. You might meditate and be thinking about eba, thatās your wrap of swallow really. Iām not saying this applies and works for everybody, No. This is my experience and i really feel thereās a lot more there i just have not tapped into it and i will in due time. Practice.
I lied about that being the last paragraph lolā¦ Special shoutout to my guys and my babies that held me down one way or the other through these motions, I love and miss you guys. Unknowingly to us, our presence around each other was a very solid support system. just being able to see and hang out with people who care about you and you care about, just seeing them do their thing goes a long way, isolation would be an understatement to describe the past few months and Covid is making sure it is amplified.. Alas, these Covid timesā¦ Wishing you all the best, stay safe and protected and i am hoping to have some more mindful experiences and hopefully have the same inspiration to write as i really and truly feel resolve after this.
Love, Light & Positive Vibrations
MidĆØ šŖ¶
