Dying of Thirst ✝️🛐
The second half of Kendrick Lamar’s song — Sing about me / I’m dying of thirst is one that resonates deeply with my soul. I heard the record again recently and discovered it’s even grown deeper and become more relatable in context. Especially the older I’ve gotten. I’m brought to tears a couple of times reconciling and feeling this thirst especially towards the very end of the record where there’s some sort of alter call/prayer asking for a renewed commitment and holy water to quench this thirst.
What are we doing? Who are we fooling?
Hell is hot, fire is proven
To burn for eternity, return of the student
That never learned how to live righteous but how to shoot it
Tired of running, choirs is hummin’
Tell us to visit, we lying ‘bout comin’….
I haven’t been in the four walls of a church in over three years and it’s actually really sad the more i deep it. I literally have no logical excuses anymore. If I wanted to, i would have but lately i’ve been feeling the gaping void in connection with my spirit…. So much has been going on especially with work and my career that has made life a somewhat unpleasant experience.
Logic, mindfulness, positivity and self-awareness are ethos that can take you a distance but there’s just something about the spirit and feeling connected to God/Higher powers that sets you apart. It’s a feeling I’ve had in the past and can recognize. which is why i know for a fact it’s seriously missing in my current mix.
Lately, i find myself caving into anxiety and panic attacks, uncertainty about my trajectory, having existential crisis occurring so frequently amongst other low level vibrational emotions and activities that have plagued my life which has unveiled my lapses in spiritual fortitude. I have come to realize that if that’s not in check, every other facet of life is affected as much as i try to be in control of these situations.
Is this some sort of punishment for my sins?
I don’t know where to start but i want to start. I need that relationship back in my life, i need something bigger because it's really beyond me, i am loosing my marbles and i need to feel some genuine peace especially with the past couple of months I've had.
Growing up, church was a must! especially coming from a household where both parents played a visible/active role in our church/community. we went to church frequently and for extended hours. The cherry on top of it all was me attending a Seventh Day Adventist University. We went to church about 4 different times a week which were compulsory and serious. Scores were given for church attendance and if you somehow got below the required score; best believe you weren’t graduating . This to me is not an ideal foundation to get into spirituality. It lead to jadedness and the moment we came of age and the decision was ours to make, we just opted out (well myself especially). I mean, i had the occasional guest appearances, august visits, maybe even January (new years) countdown services. But for the most part, i had significantly reduced my involvement and when i was involved, i was too critical about the institution and their practices, prosperity preaching, seeing the leaders get bloated while so many people in dire need somehow could not get help amongst others factors that put me off. I’d say i lost track of the real intention of faith and religion and it somehow got clouded.
A little later along the timeline, i lost my dad and it was something that steered my path away from faith and religion after heavily hoping, praying, watching my mother and family hope and pray for a miracle that never came but in all that, I still know and have a strong belief that a God exists. I mean i pray to Him and get help when I find myself in desperate need which is also really disappointing in retrospect that its only in my time of need I turned to God.
I’m tired of tumbling, tired of running,
How many sins, I’ve lost
Too many sins, I’m running out,
Somebody send me a well for the drought…
Anytime I’m going through the motions and i get sent Bible passages, it fills me with so much reassurance and calms my mind. I can’t imagine what having a deeper and extensive relationship with God would then feel like. The calmness, faith and having something to lean on other than my stoic resolutions and outlook on life. I’m dying of thirst and a drought indeed is what it feels like, I’ve had a gut feeling to get myself into church again and it’s been ignored it for too long but i need this, i need to feel grounded again, i need my peace of mind, I need to rid myself of this unending worry and angst. I’m tired of running, Tired of tumbling …
…..Back once my momma said :
What if today was the rapture, and you’re completely tarnished
The truth will set you free, so to me be completely honest
You dying of thirst, you dying of thirst
So hop in that water, and pray that it works”
The truth will set me free so I’m completely honest, I’m dying of thirst, dying of thirst!