My journal entries these days have been in the dead of night for some weird reason 😅. This particular night I’m coming down from an opioid buzz. I needed the painkillers cos I felt like absolute shit…. Sooo i am very in touch with my feelings and something I’ve spoken to a couple of friends and older cousins about “building” has just been lingering on my mind
Now I’m going to be using this word “naïve” a lot cos maybe I really just am… haven’t been a relationship since 2016/17 ish so maybe I really am out of touch with the mindset and what’s really going on out here but the general consensus when I bring up building with people usually leans to the financial side, or towards the guy “having things together” so to speak… and babes these days having “red eyes” 😂😂💀 just every one in general being too “on guard” and no one really looking to start shit off from ground up.
Now for certain no woman wants a broke nigga, and no man wants to go into a relationship being broke or starting from scratch… but when I talk about building I promise finance and having things “together” isn’t even what’s on my radar but I can’t be explaining that to every single person I’m having this conversation with… that’s why I said “naive”.. if everyone’s thinking in that direction, then maybe I’m the odd one of the lot
Naive still, but I feel chemistry and being compatible are two different extremes.. when I say building I’m leaning more towards being compatible.. building in the sense of : building on our individual goals and visions in life… do we have the same goals in life? Are we of somewhat the same mentality? Can I help you achieve your goals, desires, priorities in life? Can you help me with mine? Know what’s more beautiful? Can we come up with aligned goals and build towards them? Do you realize how beautiful that is? Having aligned goals to build towards with your partner.. something not one party can’t take ownership of? Make no man or woman dey follow you talk “You won’t have this if not for me, or the work I put in” God forbid it……. Something we can say “WE DID THIS” my gosh. I’m bricked up rn just thinking of it 😂😂😂. I feel being at the “same place” in life is really important too, it’s beyond liking the same things… looking forward to the same things. You feel me? At the same time, there’s no crime in one partner being somewhat “ahead” in life which is usually the dynamic I feel in this part of the world… thus the misconception of building being one person being “well to do” or established but we all have to find a balance either way
Anyway, that’s my idea of building as naive as it might sound.. money is the most minuscule thing.. that one too sure for me, I feel it coming and I’ve been having dreams, hot flashes and visions of it lately. I’ve been professing it, praying about it and it’s almost manifestation time.. been hit the ground running but that’s a conversation for another journal entry.. sorry for digressing 😘 but the more I say it.. the more I feel it!
Then comes up the conversation of women being done dirty by men. That was also something that came up in multiple conversations. How it’s difficult for women to fully give their all in relationships going forward as a result of the hurt from the past, walls being built and all that .. now I really and truly understand where that comes from and I don’t want to sound completely insensitive by saying it’s not just a woman thing but I swear I’m also not here to nurse someone’s broken heart, overcome myself with your insecurities and mine or break down walls I didn’t even put up.. as crazy as that sounds I feel it’s just a non ending cycle everyone has relationship ptsd, nobody wants to be the “bad guy” but sadly these are dynamics in relationships these days you can’t avoid.. you have to deal with it one way or the other…. “prove” you’re not like her last man or his last babe… I feel more effort goes into that these days than actually starting something new with people … imagine going into a new relationship and all you can do is think of what the last guy or babe did? Living in fear of is it going to happen again??? Can I trust this nigga or this babe??? seeeee I’m naive I know. Don’t bite me.. I’ve also been done dirty so I know exactly how it feels to have these trust issues but I try not to let that dictate how I approach future relationships.
I’m really just at a point now where I feel I have to give my all or nothing, I don’t have it in me to go through all the stages and emotions with one person.. that doesn’t work and now I’m on to the next? I don’t have that much in me to give I swear.. I’ve had 5 good years of being on my lonesome, knowing myself, pretty much just watching and taking in information.. have I felt the urge to be in a relationship in that time frame? Hell yes, it just didn’t happen.. timing and opportunity maybe but I’m definitely not one to force shit.. I just believe if something is meant to happen, It’ll happen sooner or later.. but I’ve also learnt in the latter years that you really have to be assertive and go for what you want. If not, you’ve probably lost that window. Like I said, past couple of years have just been a learning experience for me, I’ve also come to understand in these latter years how important personality is and I somewhat feel like I’ve cheated myself for the longest with being so docile and somewhat jaded in general.. I mean, it’d be a travesty if I didn’t come to that realization at all… but now that it’s a known factor, I intended on being more forthright with it 🙏🏼
As naive as it sounds, my next has to be it by Gods grace.. everyone has been hurt one way or the other… are we really going to let that stop us from giving our all? Do you know how limiting it is to go into something half hearted? Can’t be me. Never that!
At the same time I understand you don’t want to jump in with your all and then it ends up in disappointment. That’s really just the cycle continuing.. idk I guess I just feel everyone is just being “too cautious” nobody Wants to be the butt of a joke.. it’s just crazy how much trust issues everyone’s dealing with.. this is stuff I see on a daily even with my guys in relationships.. and I just think to myself sometimes, okay you love this guy or babe yeah? But why are you even in this relationship if you have to doubt so much and ask yourself certain questions?? Is all the “love” just yarns and no actual connection is made..
What’s dangerous is mixing up chemistry with compatibility… you can have chemistry with any damn person.. I mean same hobbies, you both love clubbing, good food, movies.. chemistry is “Small talk” and flirting in my POV those are important don’t get me wrong but those are too surfaced in comparison to core values and things that facilitate actual “Building”….compatibility sows seeds that build an actual connection, being able to share deeply, vulnerably and things of that nature.. the ability to feel aligned, understood and share how you really feel, giving each other space to be open and vulnerable!….
imagine being in a relationship and all you have to share is small talk.. how was your day? Have you eaten? 😂😂.. I don’t want small talk with whoever I end up with.. I’ve got way more to offer her… I might not have the same interest as you do but if I love you enough, trust me I’d pick up on those interests and learn to love them too.. I can learn to love music that makes you happy, food and movies and all that .. chemistry can be tweaked and worked on I feel.. being compatible on the other hand is deep rooted.. you either are, actively trying to build on that or you just aren’t.. you can’t hope to change that.. I just don’t see it happening.. and that’s what breeds trust issues in my opinion.. getting with someone who you clearly aren’t compatible with but you’re having hopes that with time they’d “Change” my guy, my babe, you’ve played yourself on a major scale. Like Jay said “compatibility is a daily commitment to making something work” the genuine desire you have to make a relationship work whatever it takes.. do you realize how naive that sounds 😂😂. It does but my people that’s how it should be.. fuck your hurt feelings, fuck that ex guy or babe.. okay? You really just have to be at par in commitment levels to make it work.. one party shouldn’t feel drained, feel like all they do is give and not receive.. all this things seem like “common sense” right? But you’d be shocked at how many heads this fly over.. it’s way easier to be infatuated with a person and you lose sight of the bigger picture.. then along the line it hits you and you’re like “why am I even with her or him”.. listen yeah, don’t convince someone you love them or they’re special if you really and truly can’t follow up with that for the long run! Like one tweet I saw flying around a while ago “Don’t introduce me to a vibe you can’t maintain”
Compatibility at the same time has a whole lot of elements. Communication being the foundation, honesty and openness being another bedrock but that’s talk for another day 😂
😂 I swear I haven’t been in a relationship in 5 years plus.. all these yarns is really just from watching, reading, listening, learning and wanting to be a better person .. call me naive still.. I don’t mind 🤷🏽♂️
Call me lover boy too I no mind.. I be certified lover boy 😂. I just feel if it’s worth doing then why not do it well? Building is key I feel… now no relationship is perfect! I watched my parents build something and that’s a blueprint I’d love to tweak and do my own way.. you literally live and learn and it’d be silly not to learn from mistakes of your past, mistakes of your parents, friends, mentors.. that’s literally what lessons are for.. you learn from them
Sometimes I feel like I already met who I’m supposed to end up with. Some other times I feel like I don’t even know the half of it.. the world is so damn big. I have conversations with my guys in diaspora about the relationship dynamics there. And if it’s the same mindset as what we have here? Is it the same “he hurt me, she hurt me? I can’t trust men for shit” I mean, I’m not crazy to ask… certainly your environment plays a huge role on dynamics and mentality right? And just how you approach relationships in general.. different cultures, different perspectives. But to me, nothing sweet reach naija babe sha 🤷🏽♂️🤷🏽♂️
Erösia by Johnny Rain
Song · 5:47 · 2018 · Available with an Apple Music subscription. Try it free.
Absolutely love the skit on that song of Johnny’s mom talking to him about love.. idk why, but I just kept thinking of that song writing this
Deo put me on Miles Carter and this particular clip came to my mind writing this too.. it’s just so relatable and on brand with what it is I’m trying to express in this entry!
At the end of the day all that is just my point of view.. there’s no blueprint or “ideal” relationship so to speak… I believe we all have ideas in our heads of how we want ours to look like.. you be silly just going in blind with no vision whatsoever…
Something else I thought about since it’s sorta a trending topic on socials lately is cheating aka “stepping out”… if I’m being honest, I can’t tolerate it… that’s a breach of trust on so many deep levels and I don’t see myself coming back from that… the trust issues I’d develop would be so stupid.. we might as well call it quits… but that’s me personally… my boy caught his girl in that predicament not too long ago and homie is actually working through it, going to couples therapy and all that… developed a lot of respect for him after hearing that… takes a different kind of dude to go that path.. I don’t think I’d ever want to hurt someone that way so honestly I wouldn’t know how to deal if I’m dealt that card… that’s pretty much my take on the issue… just Burn the bridge and swim to the deep end… I honestly don’t care how much I love you… that’s trust broken and I don’t know if that can be repaired 🤷🏽♂️. Naive?
It’s 3am.. need to get some shuteye cos I’ve got somewhere to be in the morning but I’ll come back to this journal entry and try and continue processing my thoughts on this