All in a day’s work
The Chosen One 🏅
Fear. Fear’s a powerful thing. I mean, it’s got a lot of firepower. If you can figure out a way to wrestle that fear to push you from behind rather than to stand in front of you, that’s very powerful. I always felt that I had to work harder than the next guy, just to do as well as the next guy. And to do better than the next guy, I had to just kill. And you know, to a certain extent, that’s still with me in how I work, you know. I just… go in. — Jimmy Iovine
In my opinion 70% of recovery lies in the mental. As much as i believe in science and medicine, it feels like nothing but a placebo if the recuperation has not began mentally. Our bodies respond to the mind. Ordinarily, recovering from a crisis like this would take me a couple of months. Physically i might feel at about 70% but the 30% left belongs to depression and mental warfare and that takes even longer to recover from. Depression from being docile, missing out on work and life, not being able to do the things i usually can do unassisted, as silly and judgmental as the next set of reason might sound, its true to me; — depression from seeing the utter wastage, negligence and ungratefulness “Healthy/well” people exude on a daily basis. Absolutely no regard for good health and sound bodies. Overindulgence and excesses in areas of life that don’t necessarily warrant it, addiction cloaked as “Coping Mechanisms”. This is targeted so yeah my guys, i love you so much but it pains me how it always takes a tragedy/grounding experience before proper reflection is done and agency is taken in our lives. I tell my friends all the time; we’re still young adults so our bodies are relatively healthy, blood is replaced every 120 days or so, our cells regenerate faster so we “feel” so damn healthy while in the same breath we put our bodies through the worst of beatings with our unhealthy habits and lifestyle choices. It will catch up in the future. Dexter said it. As much as death is not within our control, there are a lotta of things that ARE within our purview, healthy habits and lifestyle choices we can start developing now so we can age in class and good health. I’m not down for soliciting funds for organ transplants and medical complications in the future. I mean that’s not my prayer for even my worst enemy but the trends i see, the trajectory isn’t looking so promising. i don’t mean to sound so preachy, I’m not an angel either but damn. You are a summation of the people, experiences and places you frequently hang around. let’s leave it at that.
Life is a gift and you sometimes have to be knocked down to realize it’s value (Usman told me that in one of my entries, go fish🎣). That’s the sad reality of human existence. Spend a day with a clogged nostril and you miss the feeling of being able to breathe freely: a luxury you never knew existed. Now imaging loosing motor abilities, feeling constantly drained and dilapidated, loosing Kg’s cos your appetite is shit and you just don’t feel “whole” amongst a surfeit of uncomfortable experiences bagged and sealed up with a dose of mental fatigue.
Gratitude, prayer, faith, mental fortitude/resilience, emotional support from real ones, drawing, painting and music have been the driving forces in what feels like a miracle to myself. Music is easily one of the most magical experiences this life has offered me, vibrations that put you in a trance, make you heal, cry or even take a moment to just fall in that sweet abyss of melancholia. it takes me places sometimes where pain doesn't even register anymore, I'm overly consumed by euphoria and forces that either lead you to the light or succumb to your feelings of defeat/ resignation; whichever your willpower allows you to be lead by. Music that feels like water, crimson sunsets, places you visit in your dreams and wild imaginations, Music that leads you to comfort, peace, inspiration, enlightenment, music that motivates you to get over it and make things happen, music that literally saves you. At the end of the day it’s subjective. you might listen to some of these songs and it evokes entirely different emotions and that’s the beauty. The last time i had this sort of emotional connection and “awakening” by music was when i lost my dad and i was going through the motions and music held me down, made me feel alive. Oh! only if music could manifest itself in human form; a warm long hug and feelings of gratitude is what i offer.
I should totally dedicate another entry entirely to music, my earliest memories, how it makes me feel and my relationship with this amazing phenomena. (20 claps if you want that)
All in a day’s work?
In my solitude i asked myself “How can i blow my mind?” My answer was to get well in record time; break my own record and burst my brain which is exactly what i am doing. Did all my troubles just “Thanos snap” and disappear? hell no but all it took was a strong mental decision made in a second of resolve to take control. I remember in my last entry saying i felt something in me change; it’s still a feeling that’s been lingering. Now i cant tell if its something that died or the birth of something/someone entirely new but there’s just this strength of will and awakening I’ve had of not just who i am but life around me in general. Yes, Osas’s death was the match that lit the fuse. It’s not like we were the best of friends when he was alive but he’s a really familiar face I’ve had nothing but good encounters with; a solid dude who was about his money and i had an admiration for him because of his ability to keep his family business running after the demise of his father. For a life to abruptly cease to exist like that just put things in perspective once again.
What are you doing with life?
That’s the question posed by death to us ultimately.
How precious would life be if there was no such thing as death?
It’s going to take a little longer for me to feel 100% , I’ve got a couple of kg’s to get back, confidence to build up but i’m up for the challenge. This is a moment of transparency; at age 18, i couldn’t imagine I’d still be alive by now. i remember a teenage Dexter going on google and searching “How long do sickle cell anemia patients live” and the wormhole of trauma and misconceptions i lead myself into for years laced with false beliefs and limitations i unknowingly put on myself not just by my doing but also repeated societal stigmas, assumptions and constructs that somehow stuck on my very young inquisitive and impressionable mind. Conversations i had with myself in solitude (I enjoy my own company, what can i say) about what i wanted to do whit what i perceived to be a relatively short timeline.
Walls have been broken, limits have been pushed and boundaries crossed in this magnificent life i live to develop a new mindset and set of beliefs that support “Living” the kind of life i should be living as opposed to the restrained way things have been; the “necessary” bubble i had created for myself. If you read my entries then you know I’m a big believer in discovering and living a Purpose filled life. Still in search of what mine is but undoubtedly it’s massive, bigger than i even imagined which is why i feel its been difficult to put a thumb on. You guys, not to sound narcissistic but I am HIM, Himothy, Him Jong-un.😂
Life repeatedly has thrown signs my way, given me chances time and again and this awakening to the significance/insignificance of life as a result of death and loss just drives the point home. I’m here for a fucking reason and so are YOU. The onus then is on us to strive, persevere and discover what it is we have to offer this world. It’s an unending process in all honesty and surely it goes beyond meeting any scale of material human desires and wants. Sometimes it feels like you've got it figured out, other times it just comes falling apart but we can all agree the hamsters wheel of survival was not the design of God / higher powers. it’s all human conditioning and that sadly is what we know as Life.
I love the fluidity of my entries because i start off with a topic in mind but always end up going off on a ridiculous tangent 😂. what can i say? that's just my mind innit. years before i started journaling, all these thoughts just had rooms in my very crowded mansion of a mind. Having this medium of expression (Pun intended) has been a level up for me mentally, emotionally and as a not so vocal person has afforded me the opportunity to build new, genuine connections with people. I’m more friends with my real friends if that makes any sense lol. conversations I've been blessed to have, emotions shared, vulnerability, relatability on different subject issues amongst so many beautiful experiences even with strangers turned friends.
Tangent- I want to write a book someday.
Anyway, the boy is back! Ten toes unassisted, my creative juices flowing like never before at the core of my sobriety, depth of my pain, peak of my faith, and on this slow beautiful road to recovery. Powers to my friends who hounded me with calls just to hear my voice, to see me just to make sure i was doing well, sending me encouraging words and prayers. These are the niggas that check for me irrespective of a social media presence or medium entry; the genuine love, care and concern makes my heart melt. Once i get my shit popping it’s a wrap. i got you guys for life. As i was typing this portion, a text came in from my friend’s mum that i will share with you guys. The universe is on my side, God is on my side and now; i am on my side.
If you told me a couple of weeks ago i’d be on my feet today, running 2k and enjoying it, i’d have laughed you out. Not because i didn’t have faith in my healing but simply because my recovery process just takes a tad bit longer (Mentally & Physically) especially if I’ve been out for an extended amount of time.
Done with what was probably the slowest 2k run of my life 😂. I’m feeling alive, blessed and grateful! This is one of many for sure! Gonna take it super easy and just savor the joys of wellbeing and health.
Until my next entry.
All my Love,