6 Feet and Beyond ⚰️🥀

Lately this topic of death has been creeping around my bubble. With the loss of the missing kid in UK “Richard Okorogheye” and then DMX just days apart, I already was in a pretty gloomy state of mind… I hate how death has to be a reminder of how fickle and “pointless” life really is.. young, old, healthy, sick ? You’re not exempt from death. It has no ratings for anyone

I remember once upon a time shortly after I lost my dad to be specific the thought of death was just like a dark cloud that followed me everywhere, everyday.. that was all I could think about... now it was never a feeling of fear or being scared to die, it’s just the realization of how untimely death can really be and how now I’m at that phase in life where our parents are getting quite aged and like the cycle of life goes, death comes one at a time… Two if life just wants to be extremely unfair to you…

Earlier in the week I threw out a question on my instagram stories asking what we’d do if we found out we were going to die the next day… the general consensus was to spend time with family and say goodbye… I fully understood why people would want that. Initially my answer to those who cared to even ask me was to spend time in solitude, probably in nature because i didn’t feel at the time that I had what it took to say a “last goodbye”. I’d probably have died of heartbreak rather than whatever it was that was supposed to kill me 😂😂. But a friend said something to me that changed my perspective “what’s the point spending your last day in solitude, when it’s too late to be reflecting on things that don’t matter anymore?” He’s POV was going out knowing you’re able to express how it is you feel to people dearest to you and that really just made so much more sense to me but at the same time triggered some ptsd…

I remember the day my dad died, I remember being by his bedside a couple of hours prior and this healthy looking man i knew a month ago now looked so frail and old. I could barely even recognize him anymore. He was trying with every ounce of energy left in him to reach out and even just mutter some words to me, I remember my aunts, my mum saying to him “that’s Olumide daddy” I still remember holding his hand, trying to tell him I was the one next to him.. listen, have you ever felt so sad, distraught that you can’t even speak? Listen I was overcome with emotions I haven’t even been able to process completely till date.. this was a man that was absolutely healthy a couple of weeks ago, just felt a bit weak some days prior and I’d check up on him in his room on my way back from work to ask how he was feeling and he’d say better.. how did we go from that to me standing by your bed trying to describe who I am to you? I was completely numb. I just plugged in my headphones and had the slowest walk back home cos the hospital was just outside the estate and he needed some rest… have you ever felt like you skipped time? Like you blacked out? I honestly don’t remember walking home but I know I found myself at home… couple of hours later I spoke to my mum and she’s telling me he was a bit responsive and even sat up on the hospital bed… hope you’d think?

It’s the next morning I’m asked to come to the hospital, me I’m still feeling hopeful and all that.. walked straight past my family members in the lobby mourning. I promise I didn’t see anyone, didn’t even notice my mother and sister in the lobby.. my mind was just aimed at seeing my dad feeling better, still deluded with hope after hearing he was responsive.. anyway I walked straight into his hospital room… didn’t even notice his close friend behind me trying to stop me from going in there.. I was that aware and unaware at the the same time. I go in and see my guy covered in sheets.. the air felt thin, I felt chills all over, lost the taste in my mouth immediately and for some reason I lost my sense of hearing for a brief spell.... Listen sadness would lightly be putting how I felt.. emotions of grief, loss, emotions I can’t even articulate at this very moment anyway let’s leave the emotions, reactions and there after for another time…

In hindsight, in his final moments with me he wasn’t lucid enough to express his emotions and to receive my expressions too and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t fuck with me till date.. like I told my guy wole, sometimes I wonder would his last words to me have been something so profound that would potentially change me or my trajectory? Or would it just have been something like “take care of your mom and siblings?” I mean what would have been my last words to him if he was lucid enough?

Sometimes I feel I would have just been so surfaced back then and said something like “I love you and I’ll miss you” but with experiencing life, I often find myself adding to what I’d have loved to say to him as a goodbye… I guess that’s where my ptsd for goodbyes really stem from.. there’s never a good scenario… I expressed these feelings to Wole and he told me this:

Maturity and growth comes from being able to go into the past and process things that in that moment weren’t possible

That really struck a chord because for sure, in that moment, I lacked the awareness and emotional intelligence to even begin to process, talk less of express how I would have loved to say goodbye… but i am grateful for development mentally and emotionally, I’m glad I can express myself a lot better now, happy for life experiences good and bad and if I probably had a chance to redo his final moments and if he was lucid enough, He’d know how it is I feel from the depths of my soul…

My dad’s death really just gave me an entirely different perspective to life… it made me know how fickle it is, how pointless all the material things are.. your money can’t buy you a new life when it comes down to it, your connections, friends in high places can’t give you health either.. it also taught me a lesson in faith and hope and how it can be pointless and destructive (I’ll share that someday) it taught me to be more empathetic, kind and expressive of how it is I felt about people and situations which is something I completely lacked prior.. even in my personal relationships.. Also, how powerful words can be and how they really go a long way… spending more time on things that make me happy also made me realize that Kindness, Joy, Love compassion amongst other expressions are not entirely personality traits that are inherent so to speak but are skills that you can work on every single day..

After his death you can fully understand what a legacy implies.. the amount of lives he was able to touch just out of the kindness of his heart.. we’re only just finding out about favors, people he’s helped, testimonies from every damn corner and people who he called friends still checking in on the family till date.. making sure we’re good and everyone’s calm and sorted cos they know my dad would have done the same for them.

Mortality is the fundamental reality of our existence — Sadhguru

Death is an inevitable truth, there were people here before us, and there would be people here after us. People literally die everyday. Deep it.. someone somewhere is exhaling for the last time as you read this.. infants, teens, adults… dying from the most natural and unnatural causes, people being gunned down, people getting into accidents.. anyway let’s not get too gloomy.. my point is, we humans live as if we have the luxury of time and we’ve got it all figured out. It usually just takes a grounding experience to fully understand the fragility of life.

These days, as much as I’m in pursuit of success, trying to find out my purpose in life, I also am in deep search of how I can be of service to humanity.. how I can help people, how can I help even just one person even in these crazy times where trust is something so hard to come by.. I feel overwhelmed by emotions sometimes and I remember my friend UZI, he’d go on about NGOs back then, doing charity work and building our portfolio but the mindset I had back then wasn’t at par with my friends ideas.. keep resting UZI 🕊 .. we absolutely miss you and your brilliance 💛

I mean, Usman put it down so well in our conversation he said:

You know the saying “ the saddest story comes from those who once had the glory” we only realize these things when we are old nd left with no choice but to sit home nd reflect on life.. usually when it’s too late is when we truly come to the realization of how fickle life truly is!!! Imagine trying to humble a youngin getting bread nd living life to its fullest that there’s more to life than the materialistic things we place our happiness

I pray we grow old and have the privilege of reflection, I pray harder that we become more aware in the present and live this life mindfully and in touch with our emotions, mend our broken relationships, tell our parents and people in our lives that matter how much we love them because they need to hear that shit.... it’s good for their health and well-being 😅

Some of the responses to my “last 24 hours” question (Goal wise responses) are things that I believe some of us can actually start doing the moment we make up our minds to.. let’s not wait till the final moments to take the bold step.. I’ll be specific without being too specific 😅…. Go for that babe my guy! GO!…. Come up with a plan and quit your job babe, I’m also at that junction in my life, I’m over this 9–5 lifestyle and I just need a full proof plan too……. Break that habit my guy, it’s in the mental, you have the strength to 💛

Initially I planned on not sharing these journals again but I love you guys and I feel if I’m able to at least reach one person, then I have done a really good job…

Love, Light and Positive Vibrations 💫💛

Midè🪶

Journal entries mostly 📓👓 Vsco.co/edimulo 📸🇳🇬🦅